Perfect Mates or Partnerships for All Occasions
and
Sharing Power in Communities
(scroll down please)
Your Perfect Mate Or Partnerships For All Occasions
By: Rev. Karen Tate, MsW, FOI Adept
I was asked to share what I've learned from enjoying a happy 20 year marriage and founding an organization structured on partnerships and I began to realize the qualities which one might develop in a long term relationship aren't that different from attributes in any healthy friendship, community or partnership. Many of the same rules apply though they are as intangible as they are somewhat obvious, elusive as they are simple.
Know Thyself is a basic principle of the ancient mystery schools, still as relevant today. Maybe the most important questions to ask yourself before entering into any commitment with another person or group is who am I and why am I doing this? Love or attraction is not always logical and I will certainly agree, however, after the honeymoon phase of the partnership has waned, what's left to sustain you? Partnerships should be arrangements of common interests that nurture each other, bolster both parties, make them better, help them grow, further a mutual cause.
Do you know why you are both entering this arrangement? After close examination, do you want the same things or different things? What do each of you bring to the partnership? If the pairing is not balanced, eventually resentment and discord will surface with one side feeling they are giving too much or not being supported. Each side should contribute what it is they do best and ideally your strengths are what will support your partner naturally and organically, allowing both to grow and prosper.
Probably the most elusive of the qualities which might not be able to be developed is chemistry. Either its there or it isn't. Man or woman, friend or group, some couplings work and others fall flat. Be objective and realistic. Give a relationship time to grow but also give yourself permission not to force a partnership and we willing to let a friendship that is not working go with dignity.
Important questions to answer honestly are do you share similar ideals, moral, cultural, spiritual and political values? Do you have the same work ethic? Do you want similar things from life? Do you have a clear picture of what to expect from each other? That brings me to honesty and respect.
Obviously, mutual respect and honestly are two important qualities to perpetuate. If going into a relationship you do not have these between you, there is bound to be trouble ahead. Remember we all have our strengths and weaknesses. We need to be honest and know ourselves, not letting our edgier tendencies take hold and ruin potentially good relationships. Know your partner's less than desirable qualities too. Can you each live with each others shortcomings without it becoming a thorn in either side over the long term? If you don't know your partners weaknesses as well as strengths, then I'd say you don't know each other well enough to be entering into a serious partnership.
And with respect comes setting healthy boundaries for yourself and for others. Don't feel guilty if you have to tell someone they've crossed a line or they are making you crazy. Ideally, very early on in the relationship, or in time, you will learn if your sensibilities and anothers are in sync. We all react differently to situations and should not expect everyone to see things or react to things as we do. We come to relationships with different emotions and life experience making our individual perceptions very unique and personal.
If you find your partner continually sees things differently than you and it is causing constant disharmony, then perhaps you should re-examine if this is a good and healthy relationship to be in. Now that does not mean you don't have to work at relationships, compromise or have to agree on everything -- but you have to either be able to agree to disagree harmoniously and without it becoming a wound that never heals.
Be sure your partner is someone you can talk to and who listens without being worried about being who is right. Emotions often aren't right or wrong. They are just feelings and you should be able to express your feelings in safety and confidence knowing your inner-most feelings, fears and concerns are being held in confidence, listened to and hopefully understood.
Above all, talk to your partner if there is a problem. Nip problems in the bud rather than waiting too long to solve a problem which can exasperate things. Don't make mountains of mole hills. Give your partner some space. Be loyal. Do not share your friend or partners shortcomings, concerns, fears, disappointments or pain with others. Can you trust your partner to be discerning? Gossip has a life of its own and can destroy trust and the best of partnerships making the friendship irretrievable.
Say you are sorry if you are wrong. Own your own mistakes. There is a reason twelve step programs encourage people to tell those they have wronged they are sorry and accept accountability for their actions. Don't try to just bury your mistakes. Sincerely apologize. Try to see things from the other persons point of view. Let bygones be bygones and really do it! Remember you can disagree and still be supportive and loving of each other.
Many of these suggested ideas are not easy to do if you do not have healthy self esteem. If you do have times when you feel defensive, unworthy or less than, examine that. Don't be so quick to blame another for what might be your own inner demon. Perhaps you might want to work on your own issues otherwise your self esteem issues might continue to taint your future relationships. There are many Goddess archetypes you might want to work with to help you with feelings of self worth and personal empowerment.
Be observant and aware of patterns. What kind of relationships does your partner sustain and avoid? Is he direct? Honest? Generous? Appreciative? Is he afraid to say he's wrong or be accountable for his actions? Is he physically, verbally or emotionally abusive? Can she forgive and can be compassionate? And let's be sure we are not confusing compassion with enabling, which is another topic for another day.
Is your partner competitive? Jealous? Is your partner proud of your accomplishments or threatened by them? Does your prospective partner have a sense of humor and level head? That can get you through many tough times. Does your partner try to see the good in people and things or in his perspective is the glass usually half empty? And vice versa. Be brutally honest with yourself. No one is listening.
Don't expect a person to change. If they don't possess characteristics and qualities today that you can love, respect, and admire - they might never. So don't expect to change another person significantly.
You might want to consider having a natal chart done on you and your prospective partner individually and as a partnership and have it analyzed by an experienced astrologer.. It might bring to light some potential problem or strengths and shed some light on inherent personality characteristics that will be the melody of the dance that is your prospective relationship.
In short, treat your partner as you would like to be treated - even if you've never been treated that good in your life. If you had a bad childhood, past marriage or partnership, don't make the same mistakes or perpetuate those things that made you miserable. Don't punish the new people in your life for past failed relationships. Think out of the box. You create your own reality together. So if together you aren't making a reality that is loving, supportive, prosperous, joyous then perhaps you might want to focus on how you might do that - and if you are in the right relationship to do that. If you're not sure how to do that, fake it until you make it. Role play. Create a new paradigm and shift gears until the new ways of doing and thinking take hold.
All of which brings me full circle again. Trite but true is the adage if you cannot love yourself, you cannot love someone else. If you are not happy, you cannot make others happy. Follow your bliss and trust that things will fall into place. Be willing to make changes and transform attitudes, and actions that do not serve you. Change or expand your circle of friends and partnerships. You can reinvent yourself or find the you that has been waiting to emerge. That being said, before you enter into a long term partnership, it might be wise to try things short term because there is nothing worse than being trapped in the wrong partnership or not living your life authentically. Know yourself and be true to you. The rest will follow.
SHARING POWER IN OUR COMMUNITIES
A Guide for Peace
written by: Rev. Karen Tate, MsW, FOI Adept
One would think if we were successfully living our lives and truly priestessing by the Wiccan Rede, the Golden Rule or the Laws of Maat that the reminders or suggestions herein might not even warrant repeating. However, in our busy and stressful lives, is there any one of us who can claim perfection or cannot strive to do better? So in that spirit, as we embark on what many are calling the next millenium, this discussion to raise our awareness certainly may lend some help should we feel we can or want to personally perform our duties and responsibilities on a higher level of service within our communities. Starting from the premise we all have more in common than we are different, let's examine some ideas that might help how we share power with each other within our circles, covens and study groups.
Below are two sets of guidelines for elders and general membership within a group or organization.
IF YOU ARE AN ELDER, HEIROPHANT OR ARCHPRIESTESS....
* Do you have a safe means for those within your circle to mediate problems? Can concerns be brought up without being filtered through a select and possibly non-impartial few? What if the concern is about you? All too often in the absence of such mediation, membership does walk away because there is no other recourse open to them other than to sit idly by swallowing their concerns to continue to belong.
* If you are dianic, or your group has been choosing it's incoming HP by appointment from the outgoing HP rather from concensus of the group - especially if you claim to be a concensus based group, do you want to re-examine that process in order that a non-hierarchal model might be considered or perhaps even rotate the duties of High Priestess in order to grow others into the job and thereby share the responsibilities and power/leadership? If you are making concensus decisions, are the people doing the work in the community the ones included in on the concensus decision making and not just a select few?
* If you have a large community, is every group (i.e. crones, guardians, priestesses, general population, ritualists) represented on your Board or governing body so that everyone feels they have a voice?
*When someone leaves your community or circle, do you just assume the person if following her own path and reflection or self-facing ends here? Or do you think how you might have consciously or unconsciously contributed to this person's defection from your ranks?
*Are you providing a nurturing and empowering environment where those you have responsibility for can grow and stretch their wings without feeling by doing so they might threaten their elders and possibly even thereby hurt themselves politically within the group?
* Can those who disagree speak out without retribution?
* Do you suggest there is no hierarchy but is it there "veiled"? Hierarchy in a group can be fine -- if that's what members are told they're getting involved in. Be honest about who's calling the shots and fair about who is allowed to have a voice. Don't misrepresent who and what you are.
* What perceptions do your circles project? Are they really inclusive? Warm and inviting? Feel closed and clique-ish? When new faces appear are they warmly greeted and made to feel they can offer something of value to the organization? One way to check this is to ask yourself if your regular volunteers or facilitators are all burnd out or do you have an ample of pool of help to draw from when you need it.
* Are new ideas welcome or is it your way or the "highway"? If you solicit ideas or imply others voices count, do they really?
*Are you using your position of elder, heirophant, archpriestess as a "bully-pulpit" to set an example to those in your group or coven to keep their ego in check and not confuse being in service with being in power?
* Are you careful not to define or judge a member's service to Goddess?
*Have you looked into successful models to mimic and teach for conflict resolution? Do you use the model yourself? Can you embrace differences and see them as adding richness and new ideas and possibly even positively look at conflict as an opportunity for growth, transformation and reflection?
* Can you admit you can be wrong and can learn from your students?
* Do you do everything in your power to get problems out in the open, not allowing gossip to flourish within the organization?
* Are all members dealt with on the same standard without allowing personality conflicts to result in uneven application of any process?
*Do you insure any member who participates in your events, rituals, classs all equally share in all the duties required and do not permit a select few to slide on "taking out the trash", or "mopping up the floor"? Are you careful not to pigeonhole a person, thinking them capable of only doing certain things? Do you encourage your members to stretch and grow?
*Should you institute a rule that if someone is not at a planning meeting without just cause they have no right to have a part in the ritual or event?
*Do you encourage your membership to feel equally valued amongst themselves whether they've been participating for 20 years or 2 months?
* Do the more experienced women lovingly take "newbies" under their wing and help them within the organization?
* Do you sincerely strive not to have power over your members?
* Can you agree to disagree and still work together?
*If you feel your cause is to battle the repression of the patriarchy, are you not perpetuating that social order within your group?
IF YOU ARE A MEMBER OF A COVEN, CIRCLE, COMMUNITY YOU HAVE RESPONSIBILITIES TOO:
* Do you offer constructive criticism when faced with problems and come to the table with ideas for solutions rather than just venting your anger or pain and finding fault?
* Do you speak up in a loving and considerate manner?
* Are you careful not to allow someone you might consider more experienced define or judge you?
*Can you disagree in a loving and considerate manner?
*If you see a pattern of dysfunction or mean-spiritedness within a group, do you speak up? Or if you see members continually coming and going and the HP just dismisses them with platitudes like "well the Goddess is weeding Her garden" do you re-examine your involvement and principals in association with this group and its manner of dealing with people?
*How does being a member of the group make you feel? Does being a member positively challenge your skills and encourage your growth? Do you feel valued? Do you trust those you circle with or do you feel unbalanced, never quite sure what to expect, whether you belong or where you stand?
*Do you have a compromise your principals or integrity to "fit in"?
* Are you given clean direction, encouragement and support? Do you ask questions and take responsibility for your actions?
*Do you have a voice and feel comfortable with the mediation process used by the group?
* Did you do your homework? Do you know the philsophy, history, structure of the group?
*Do you understand the group cannot meet all of your needs and you must ultimately navigate your own ship?
* Are members treated with respect?
*Are policies and procedures applied evenly to all?
*Do you put your elders on pedestals and become disappointed when they fall from this lofty perch and you discover they are not perfect and make mistakes?
*Are you giving back to the organization, group or coven?
*Can you agree to disagree and still work together?
*Are drugs and alcohol allowed at events?
This is just a short list of ideas which I have seen used and/or wished were used within goddess communities I have worked in or moved through. Belonging to the wrong group can be a painful and demoralizing experience, yet being with the right one can cause you to stretch yourself and find new talents and strengths you might not ever have known you possessed. Involvement in one group might even help heal the wounds obtained within another, so choose wisely and have your eyes and ears open as to how business, relationships and procedure is conducted.
We have a lot of work to do to raise awareness of the Goddess in our time, help heal the planet and become the best we can be. Can we waste time fighting each other or being involved within the wrong circles? Wouldn't it be nice not to have to educate the world at Samhain about our spirituality?? What if men adn women did not have to live in fear of losing their jobs or their children because our religion was understood and accepted?
We might all benefit from looking at the big picture and directing our energy appropriately so that we are making a difference in the world, not reinventing the wheel within our communities, clinging to power within our own groups or tearing each other apart. Let us strive to "walk our talk". Let us treat other as you would like to be treated. Let us nurture and empower each other. Say you don't know, you're sorry, you've made a mistake or you need help. Sometimes the simplest acts can have the most profound and far-reaching consequences and sometimes we just have to remind each other....
by - Rev. Karen Tate, Emissary Priestess of Isis
Iseum of Isis Navigatum/IACRS
Fellowship of Isis Adept/Mistress of Wicca