I once directed a musical for a local university. A sophomore theatre major came to the auditions, which consisted of singing 16 bars of a song and performing a one-minute monologue from a musical or a comedy. She sang her song and was quite effective. She then told me that she was going to perform the role of Puck from A Midsummer Night's Dream and proceeded to take a sheet of paper out of a pocket. She looked at the paper, put it down on the piano, faced me and began her monologue. About three or four lines in, she forgot her next line, stopped, took a look at the paper, apologized and asked if she could start over.

This is not the way you want to audition.

1. Be prepared.
2. Have a variety of audition pieces at your disposal.
3. Audition to work, not to impress.
4. Play it by ear.
5. Expect nothing.

Let's look at each one of these in a bit more detail.

In other words, know what you're going to do and how you're going to do it. Don't just memorize the pieces and go in and wing it. Memorize the pieces and make a plan, the same way you would with any presentation. Plan everything, every gesture, every pause, every nuance, right down to the batting of an eyelash. Have a résumé and photo available, whether they are required or not. Take a pencil (not a pen, not a marker, not a crayon -- a pencil). Dress informally but not sloppily. (You may have to dance or move in some strange fashion -- there's no telling what a director might ask you to do.) Practice good hygiene. (Don't stink, but don't smell like a room full of flowers either. Make sure you brush your teeth.) It all sounds pretty obvious, doesn't it? You'd be surprised.

Have at least the following: A Shakespeare piece; a dramatic piece (not Shakespeare); a comic piece; a song that you can sing effectively (with or without accompaniment). (Notice I didn't say "sing well". Anyone can sing, whether they can carry a tune or not. It's all in the presentation.) But you really should have more than that. You should have so many pieces that you can overwhelm the director with choices. When I'm preparing to audition, I have at least ten pieces I can do at the drop of a hat, and that includes two songs. Why so many pieces? Well, let's put it this way: If you're an athlete and you're asked by a coach to run forty yards with a group of other athletes, do you just run nice and easy and take your time, or do you run hard and fast and try to beat every other person in the group? Which style of running says more about you as an individual? Which says more about what you value? Which says more about what you're willing to do? Not to go on and on about it, but which is going to be more impressive? (And please don't accuse me of trying to turn acting into a competition, but there is no denying the competitive aspect of an audition.) You may think that you're never going to need all those pieces. And you may not. You may never get to use them all. But a good friend of mine who was about to audition for graduate schools asked me for audition advice, and I gave him exactly what I'm giving you. I helped him prepare seven or eight pieces, I can't remember which, and at one of his auditions -- and only one of them -- he went in and did what was required and then was asked, "Have you got anything else?" He said, well, yeah, I've got this other piece. "Okay, do that." He did, and was asked again, etc., etc., until he'd gone through everything that he'd prepared. That was his audition for Yale, and that is where he was accepted. I'm not saying if you're all well-prepared you're going to end up at Yale. But I think you get the point.

If your aim is to impress the people you are auditioning for, you may succeed, but you'll run into the same problem that 99.9% of actors suffer from: You'll have your head in the audience. You should treat the audition process the same way you treat the performance process or the classroom process or any other process that involves acting: Treat it as work. Treat every opportunity to act as an opportunity to work, to tune your instrument, to exercise your creative instincts, to work on your self. If you're working to impress, your focus will be outside yourself and you won't be able to focus on what you really need to focus on in order to obtain the kind of success you seek: Execution.

You never know what is going to happen at an audition, which is why you should be totally prepared. If you're totally prepared, you can make any adjustments you need to make and, when given the opportunity, simply return to what you prepared. For instance, people are going to ask you questions. Answer them honestly. Don't try to ferret out why the questions are being asked. Don't vacillate. Don't ever, ever, lie at an audition. (Lying, generally speaking, is very bad policy.) In the short term, you may gain an advantage. In the long-term, you're going to screw yourself. If the director, or whomever you're auditioning for, asks you to do something, listen very carefully and do exactly what is asked of you to the best of your ability. Pay close attention here: Listen very carefully and do exactly what is asked of you to the best of your ability. This takes concentration and commitment on your part, the same kind of concentration and commitment it takes to act effectively. If you're thinking, "I hope they like me, I hope they like me," or if you're thinking about your last piece and how you blew it, you're never going to hear what you're being asked to do and you're going to screw it up. Listen carefully whenever anyone speaks to you and do exactly what is asked of you to the best of your ability.

This one is self-explanatory.

These five rules really are hard and fast rules.

I'm providing the following as a general guideline. See Hard-and-Fast Rule of Auditioning #4, above.

Speak loudly and clearly -- remember the first two rules of acting -- and tell everyone your name. Believe it or not, telling people your name is one of the most important parts of your audition, so make sure you take your time and say it so everyone can understand it. (Smile, if you can -- some people can't very well -- as you introduce yourself and your pieces. You catch more bees with honey.)

Different people prefer different ways, but you should know the titles of the plays your pieces are from, the authors of the plays, and the names of the characters you are portraying. (If it's a Shakespeare piece, you might want to know the act and scene, but if a director is asking you for these, he's got his head in the wrong place anyway, and you most likely don't want to work with him.) You also should know how to pronounce everything correctly. If you're unsure about how to pronounce something, ask someone you believe will know how to pronounce it. That way, if you blow it, you can always go back to that authority and kick their butt if you blow it.

Before you begin your first piece, take a moment to prepare yourself mentally. (This is one of the times that I think you should focus on what I've been referring to as a "key" -- not a key phrase or word, but a "key" as in a "key to unlock the scene". Find an action or a phrase or a gesture or a tempo or a rhythm that you can think about that will help key you into the scene and get off on the right foot. Because, believe it or not, it's always possible to get off on the right foot.)

If you are required to present only one piece, go to #5 below. If you are presenting two pieces, after you finish the first, take a moment again and prepare for your next piece. Notice I did not say "relax". Yes, absolutely, you should relax, but don't outwardly relax unless you absolutely have to. In other words, don't sigh, shake yourself all over like a dog coming out of the water, and then lift your head and begin your next piece. If you're an actor -- and if you're reading this, then guess what -- you should have a place you can go to in your head that will allow you to automatically relax your instrument. There should be a place in your head you can go to that will allow you to locate any tension you have in your instrument and release it. Once you've done this, focus on the key for your next piece and present the piece.

When you're done, smile and say thank you and leave. Someone may stop you and ask you to stay and answer questions, or even to do another piece or read from the script, and if they do, do what is asked. If they don't, hit the road (hopefully evaluating your presentation in a brutal fashion as you go). If they ask you questions, don't assume anything. Just follow Hard-and-Fast Rule #4, above, and remember Hard-and-Fast Rule #5, above.

To return to the young lady who blew her audition. After she asked if she could start again, I told her no, she couldn't. (Most any director usually can see everything he needs to know after about fifteen seconds of an audition. In any audition, I ask for more than fifteen seconds of acting because I want everyone to feel they've had a fair chance -- and I admit, there have been times when someone caught my eye late rather than early, but not often.) I didn't yell at her or raise my voice. I told her that she shortchanged herself and her talent (and she was talented -- not greatly, but she had presence, could relax, and had a pleasant voice) by coming to an audition in such an unprepared manner. I told her that there are people out there who would have no patience for an actor who would come to an audition and do what she did, that the next time she came to an audition she should have not just one, but multiple pieces to perform, and that she should know each like the back of her hand. I told her that she should never put herself or the people she is auditioning for in that kind of position again. Then I released her. She took it very well. (Always take it -- whatever "it" is -- very well -- don't burn any bridges unless someone's treating you like a total butthead. Then feel free to squash them totally.)

And yes, she got cast.