A Hillbilly Night Before Christmas

by James Rice

'Twas the night afore Christmas
'Twixt ridgeback and holler,
No critter was twitchin'
Nary a hawg dast to waller.

Each keerful darn't stockin'
War' nail't near the chimbley,
A hopin' that Sainty'd
Be a extry bit fren'ly.

The youngun's was snuggle't
Grub deep in the tickin',
Dream conjurin' up or'nges
And strip't candy lickin'.

Ole Maw in her night dress
And me in my long johns,
Wuz a snorin' es happy
Es frogs in thuh lake ponds.

When up in the piney woods
Come a scair't paint'er screechin'
Ain't heered sich a ruckus
Since camp meetin' preachin'.

Wuz thet wu'thless houn', Blue,
With a growl full of shiver,
Tried tuh crawl 'neath thuh bedstid,
I th'owed off thuh kivver.

I grabb't fer my rifle gun,
'Most farred hit off too,
Then tremblin' in sock feet
Near tropp't on old Blue.

Aire plank door creaked dreadful
Jist op'nin a mite,
So's I knowed flat out sartin
Ha'nts walked th'ew thuh night.

They's a bright punkin' moon
Tuh bring mooonshiners sorrah,
Made it middle day brightness
Like thuh woods wuz a-far.

Kindly dreamy, way yonder,
Pure floatin' up aire,
Come a ole timey wagon
And eight smokey bear.

With a sawed off ole peddler
As quick as a bainty,
Hit whomped like a mule kick,
Thet had to be Sainty.

To beat hummin' birds' wings
Thet bear passel came,
Whilst he growled, "Gee!" then "Haw!"
Es he hollered the'r names.

"On, big Feet! On, Orn'ry
Molasses an' Rumbler!
Up Yowler! Up, Growler!
On, Gumption an' Grumbler!

"Git over thet hinhouse!
Light out to the shed!
Now climb, you ole honey bears!
Jist mind what I said!"

Es biddies fum sarpents
Ur Maw's stripe't cat,
Fluster which way to go,
Firstly this'n then that.

So's up to the tin roof
Them spry varments clumb,
With a good few of purties
And old Santy, by gum!

And d'recly I heered
Sich a turrible trompin'
Like'n hail big es bisquit bread,
Ur store teeth a chompin'.

Through I near met myself,
Tarn'ed quick es a toad,
Sainty skinned down that chimbley
'Fore I ever did knowed.

He ws snortin' and fussin',
Stompin' snow fum his feet,
breshin' off suht leavin's
Whut stuck tuh his seat.

He'd a mouth made fer smiles
Twice't too big fer elf-size,
A red jelly bean nose,
An' shoe button eyes.

His britches and coat,
Wuz pure worryation,
Of quiltin' piece patches
Tuh beat all creation.

He wore "spenders and belt
Like a man wif' a callin',
Tuh persactly be sartain
His paints wuzn't fallin'.

You could tell he liked vittles,
Like stack cake and spoon bread,
An al'ays tuk seconts
When seconts wuz fed.

He's granpappy whiskers,
but his twinkledy eyes
Made himlook like a younun
Whose smile never lies.

He looked plumb full of happy,
Bof' cheeks puff't out wide,
Like a chaw of terbacky
Wuz helt in each side.

A burn't black ole corn cob
He 'peared 'bout ta swaller,
Ever which way he goed
Thuh smoke seemed to foller.

He'd shouldered at tote
Stuffed to make yur eyes shine,
made him out sum ole trapper
A-tendin' his line.

He squinched up one eye,
Give a "how d'ye do" grin,
Not a orphin nur widder
Counda been ascairt then.

He wuz more do than talk,
To his chores bent his back,
Stuffed dem stockin's right quick,
An' den heffed that there sack.

Then a pintin' me hush
"Til my "set a spell" friz,
With a meetin' house nod
Out'n thuh chimbley he riz.

To his wagon he scrambled
Real squirrely an' spritely,
Whupped them ole bears
Kinda soft and perlitely.

They lit out a bellerin'
Lik'd scairt scalded pups,
Ole Sainty, red wagon,
An' smokey bear cubs.

But I give him a holler
Afore he got clear,
"Merry Christmas, Ole Boy,
Y'all Come Back, Yuh Hear!"