The Songs of Charles Herold

© Charles Herold 1985-1997

Index 


Civilization


If you have an anal itch well then scratch it
Don't sit there squirming uncomfortably
Just stick your hand down the back of your bluejeans
Relieve your discomfort to some degree.
But you're afraid that someone will notice
And you'll be a spectacle,
Civilization is the art of always being slightly uncomfortable.

If you have gas inside that wants to exit
And you have no access to a commode
You know that you cannot hold on forever
Sooner or later you'll have to explode.
But you've been trained that you should not do it
Mother said use self control,
Civilization is the art of always being slightly uncomfortable.

Emily Post said we must make the most
Of all our social interactions
Moses had ten laws but Emily 
There's a thousand and fifteen infractions.

Boys if your balls are real cold well then cup them,
Just warm them up in the palm of your hand,
Girls if the sweat's pooling under your bosom
Try them with Kleenix we'll all understand.
If there is something in your nose, pick it,
Breathe oxygen to the full,
Civilization is the art of always being slightly uncomfortable.

The Sandra Bullock Song

(made famous -- sort of -- in Rolling Stone Magazine)

Does anyone have Sandra Bullock's e-mail address?
I want to drop her a line.
To tell her that I love her and I think that she's great
And that she ought to be mine.
And when she sees that I have such sincerity
I know that she will send some e-mail back to me,
If anyone has Sandra Bullock's e-mail address
Please send it to me.

She seems so really sweet just like the girl next door
So gentle and true
There is a girl who happens to live next to me
I've never spoke to.
It's hard to meet a girl and start up a romance
I think with Sandra Bullock I've a better chance
If anyone has Sandra Bullock's e-mail address
Please send it to me.

I've heard she cruises the Internet
And I think that's cool.
I do not talk to girls offline
As a general rule.
And I think Sandra is really fine
Even if she's on America Online!

I still live with my parents though I'm twenty-five
I've got a nice room
I really don't go out too much to socialize
But I'm real good at Doom.
There is a girl I know though we have never met
We send each other smut over the Internet
If anyone has Sandra Bullock's e-mail address
Please send it to me.
Dear Sandra,
I think you're great. I've loved you ever since I saw you in Love Potion Number Nine. You're all I ever think about -- except for Star Trek. I think you'd be great on Star Trek, you could be the captain instead of Janeway. I hate Janeway. She sounds like a helium junkie. Would you marry me? 
Does anyone have Sandra Bullock's e-mail address?
I want to drop her a line.
To tell her that I love her and I think that she's great
And that she ought to be mine.
And when she sees how true for her my love can be
I know that she will also fall in love with me!
If anyone has Sandra Bullock's e-mail address
Please send it to me.
I am reposting this request, because so far no one has sent me Sandra's e-mail address, even though I explained how she was the only girl I would ever love and how I just needed to contact her. Some of you took the opportunity to say that I was some sort of psycho-stalker weirdo, and needed to get professional help, or at least a girlfriend. My tagline read "If Sandra Bullock were the Yellow Rose of Texas then I would pick her", and someone wrote back, "What if she were the nose of Texas?" which I didn't think was funny. Sandra has a very nice nose. And if you have Sandra's e-mail address, I want to assure you that if you e-mail it to me I won't give it to anyone else, as I know Sandra doesn't want to be bothered by a bunch of nuts. 


Are Those Real?


I met a girl, she was a professor of philosophy
An intellectual
She had an I.Q. of two-hundred-and-three which isn't nominal,
she was phenomenal
And when she told me her world view my mind was filled with wonder
But all the time though I was enthralled I still had to wonder:

Are those real?  Are those real?  
I don't know it but I want to find out, could I have a quick feel?

I crossed the street, and I was run down by a city bus
The guy was drunk I guess
My mangled body drew a little crowd, and I must confess
I was a bloody mess
A woman came up, said "I'm a doctor, I can save his life."
And I was thinking, as she borrowed a rusty pen knife:

Are those real?  Are those real?  
I don't know it but I want to find out, could I have a quick feel?

They seem so perky, they seem so firm, they're my fixation.
Whatever happened to gravity?  Is it on vacation?

Turns out I died, the doctor couldn't manage to keep me alive
I was just too darn sick.
I walked into the light and there I was met by a funny trick,
It turns out God is a chick.
She sat before me in all her splendor while I stood shrinking.
And as she judged me from the book of life, I kept on thinking:

Are those real?  Are those real?  
I don't know it but I want to find out, could I have a quick feel?

Are those real?  Are those real?  
It's a secret that for me will always be unknown
Are those filled with fatty tissue or just silicone?
I'm only curious
Please don't be furious
When I ask you:
Are those real?  Are those real?  
I don't know it but I want to find out.
I don't know it but I wish that you would whip them out
I don't know it but I want to find out
Can I have a quick feel?


The Breast Song


A friend of mine said you and I might suit
She said "He's charming and he's also cute."
I met you, you seemed fine
So we went out to dine
There's just one thing I'd like to ask of you:

Stop staring at my breasts
While we're engaged in conversation.
Why must you study my gradation
As though you were an engineer.

I haven't seen your eyes
In an hour and a quarter
You must believe you're a reporter
And that you've found a story here.

Well I can understand your taking a little peek
I mean they are something to see.
But you're more interested in talking to them
Than you are in talking to me.

Your head is tilted down
And I see that you are grinning
And I notice your hair's thinning
Have you considered a toupee?

You seem so mesmerized
So I test your concentration
I tell you my mom's a dalmation
And you say "really, you don't say."

Well, some of the men that I have gone out with
Have looked at every woman's breasts but mine
But all the attention I'm getting from you
Isn't quite what I had in mind.

You're staring at them now
As you picture them uncovered
But as you will soon discover
You have seen all that you'll survey.

Say bye-bye to my breasts
Perhaps tonight you'll dream about them
But you will have to live without them
Me and my breasts just bounced away.

Julliard

(I have an anecdote about this song)

He is a drummer in a band
He looks just like a nome
He plays with the imagination
Of a metronome
He bangs it like a five-year-old
Who's got a brand new toy
But don't ask for some subtlety
Or he will tell you "Boy

I went to Julliard
I'm a professional
You're just an amateur so don't make my life hard
You know much less than me
So never disagree
I'm a professional from Julliard"

He talks about celebrities he's met
He says they're fools
He says Lou Reed's an asshole
'Cause he thinks you'll think he's cool
And if you say well maybe Lou thinks he's an asshole too
He'll say "Don't be ridiculous, you know that can't be true

I went to Julliard ..."

Why does he always act like such a snot?
And treat everybody rotten?
Maybe he would rather be despised
Than forgotten.

If he's ever had a girl I'm sure that she has said
Could I make suggestions upon your technique in bed?
There are a few things you could do that wouldn't be too bad
And he'd say "give it up girl, I'm the best you ever had.

I went to Julliard ..."

Ron English Train

Well I don't care much for the visual arts
You won't find me in a gallery
Lookin' for the answers to life in dried paint
If there's something better on TV
But there is one artist that I admire
You know he is a friend of mine
And I'm gonna be there right by his side
When he is on the cover of Time

Chorus:
I'm riding the Ron English train.
Where will it go?
I'm riding the Ron English train
To fortune and fame.

So I go to his opening and look on the walls
You know it isn't really too bad for art.
And I tell pretty girls Ron and I are this close
Because it touches their hearts.
And I say "Hey Ron this is your best work yet."
Artists always like that sort of lie.
And I say we gotta do lunch real soon
You're the famous artist you can buy.

(Chorus)

Lou Reed was a junkie kid
Till he met a fella named Warhol
It isn't who you are in life
It's who you know, that's all
And I know Ron and I've pegged him as a guy 
Who's gonna take me right to the top
And if I'm wrong and he's not famous in six months
He's an artist that I'm gonna drop.

(Chorus)

The Century Nectarine

 I walked into the market and I saw a variety of fruit which I did not recognize. I said to the shopkeeper "What's that?" And he said "That's the Century Nectarine. It grows on only one tree, and that tree grows in the middle of the desert and has to be watered once every hour. After a hundred years it bears a single fruit."
And I said "How much is it?"
And he said "It's not for sale."
And I said "How do I get it?"
And he said "By not wanting it."
That's when I knew I couldn't live without it. 
I was filled with so much love for you that I wrote some poetry.
I read it to a woman and she fell in love with me.
I tried it out on others, it worked on all thirty-two.
Some day I'm gonna work up the nerve to talk to you.

I heard you liked Vietnamese monks so I set myself on fire.
Then I heard you mention Viennese punks as I watched myself expire.
So my ashes got a mohawk, and did a waltz or two.
Some day I'm gonna work up the nerve to talk to you.
And I said "I want it."
and the shopkeeper said "Then just reach out and take it."
And I said "Just reach out and take it?"
And he said "Yeah."
And I said "If it's so easy, why hasn't anyone taken it already?"
And he said "Because if you eat it, you have to water the tree until it bears fruit."
And I said "Where exactly is this tree?"
And he said "Let me draw you a map."
 
I'll take you to the peak of the mountain on my land,
And if you want a valley I will dig it up by hand.
I chained myself to your shadow just to prove I could be true.
Some day I'm gonna work up the nerve to talk to you.

I climbed each molecule of the sky until I hit the night.
Then I shouted out that I loved you to everyone in sight.
I didn't use your name of course, I never leave a clue.
Some day I'm gonna work up the nerve to talk to you.
And I said "Is this an allegory?"
And the shopkeeper said "This is not an allegory. This is only a test. In the event of a real allegory you would be told where to turn for less information." 
Well, you are a goddess, and I just a mortal be,
And if I made love to you I'd be turned into a tree.
Then when you're thirsty you might take my leaves and drink the dew,
But first I've got to work up the nerve to talk to you.

Well I had a thirst for knowledge so I went to a clown school,
Explaining that for you I had to learn to play the fool.
They sent me home they told me I was fool enough for two.
Some day I'm gonna work up the nerve to talk to you.
Just then the Century Nectarine rolled off the counter. I reached out to catch it, but it fell through my hands and it fell through the floor and was gone. I said to the shopkeeper "Did you see that?" And he said "See what?"
And I said "The Century Nectarine rolled off the counter. I reached out to catch it, but it fell through my hands and it fell through the floor and was gone."
And he said "We don't sell nectarines here, try across the street."
And I said "Is this an allegory yet?


Index

Enough wit for me. Take me home.