This is a talk about one’s own personal Department of Defense (DoD), not the government one. It is about that "department" that defends (and expands?) one’s own personal territory, the territory of me and mine, my beliefs, my opinions, my identities, my stuff.
This talk is about all aspects of defense, including defensiveness. Do you ever get defensive?
When it comes to defense, there are three different stages of Zen practice:
Expanding kingdom. Imagine a castle in the countryside, surrounded by fields. This is my territory, and my DoD defends it. However, at this stage, the defense is more like offense, as the goal is to gain control and influence over more territory. It may very much be offense, but, isn’t it more typical for governments and people alike to couch offense in terms of defense?
One of these offense-couched-as-defense strategies is what I like to call the "buffer doctrine". To protect my fields I need to capture the land outside them as a buffer against attack. This applies to most "stuff", including money. It also applies to psychological and intellectual capital. A buffer makes practical sense, but, where does it stop? Can you ever be truly safe so long as some unconquered territory remains?
Another is is the "preemptive strike". Capture the other guy’s territory before he captures yours, or maybe before he ever even thought about capturing yours. We all know that this applies to governments (as we found out recently with our own); however, does this apply to individuals, and does it apply in a psychological way? I think so, and probably it is more prevalent than we care to admit. It is certainly true for me. I know I have lashed out at people that I thought might be about to attack my position on some matter, only to find out later, to my embarassment, that they had no such intention.
At first, Zen practice is likely to be part of an expanding kingdom for most people. Zen practice is part of a strategy to attain more awareness and mental focus, perhaps in order to make gains at work, or to conquer problems. It may be a part of a strategy to become more spiritual, perhaps more likeable, and find a good mate. It may just be a strategy to better defend what you’ve got, as a quick clear mind can certainly make you safer.
In summary, the goal at this stage is to increase the domain of me and mine, to increase the size of this territory and to better defend what has been conquered. At this stage, these efforts probably consume all of your energy.
Harmonious kingdom. At some point, people practicing Zen usually make a momentous discovery: peace and happiness result from what is lost rather than from what is gained. The loss of rigid beliefs and opinions, the loss of rigid identities all leads to a more harmonious life. Zen is not about gaining anything; it is about losing what is in the way.
Imagine, at this stage, a trim house, a small peaceful garden.
In a way, stage 2 is very different than stage 1, because the direction is towards loss rather than gain. However, in a way, it is very similar, as there is still territory to be defended.
As the territory defended gets fairly small, life can be quite good in stage 2. There is a kind of harmonious equilibrium here, between self and other. For some people, this is where Zen practice will end.
Others will not want to stay here in stage 2. At this stage defensiveness often takes the form of negotiation. This is fine for some business relationships, but it spills over into personal relationships as well. Love becomes a kind of bargaining: I will give you this, if you give me that; I won’t tread in your territory if you don’t tread in mine. This is not love.
This stage is still marked by defensiveness, reactivity. This is not freedom.
Stonehenge. Ah, now we are talking! Your kingdom at this stage is like ancient ruins, and you are like the wind blowing through them.
A key aspect of Zen realization is that there is no personal self to defend.
A key aspect of Zen practice, before realization, is faith, and a growing awareness, that there is no personal self to defend. And knowing this, in my practice I will look at all defensiveness:
What territory am I claiming as mine?
Do I really want to keep defending this territory? Is it worth it?
Do I have a sense that there is something more to me than just this territory to be defended? If I am not this personal self that needs to be defended, then what am I?
Investigating defensiveness is a great practice, because there is so much material readily available, and the material is so obvious!
When the faith is there that I am not that which needs to be defended, the practice is simply to turn away from the defense:
If my mind goes down the path of justifying myself: stop, immediately, and turn away.
If my mind goes down the path of fixing myself (so that this will never happen again!): stop, immediately, and turn away.
If my mind goes down the path of making another person wrong: stop, immediately, and turn away.
This is not stuffing or sublimating feelings. If I feel hurt, I just feel it: ouch!! And it ends there. Simple. No justification, no blame, no fixing.
But this is a challenging practice. I recall times when for days my mind wanted to justify or blame, and for days I had to just turn away, over and over and over. My mind just wanted to fix the situation, its image of the situation that is, to tie up the loose ends, to tie a bow around it. But the practice was to let those loose ends just dangle.
Those loose ends can dangle forever. The situation never needs to be fixed. The personal self never needs to be fixed. I am not the personal self. I need to leave the personal self behind.
But what is it that I am leaving the personal self for? The best way to find out is to ask this question: If I am not that which needs to be defended, what am I? I turn away from the justifications and blame, and turn towards the question: what am I? The question stops the mind. The mind becomes receptive. The mind peers into a kind of spaciousness.
At first, this spaciousness seems almost non-existent. But after years of practicing like this it grows and grows. If I am not that which needs to be defended, what am I? Ahhhh, there really is something outside of the personal-self-that-needs-to-be-defended, and it is that spaciousness. And in that spaciousness there is wisdom and compassion.
And, in time, I am able, more and more, to act out of that spaciousness, to act while the mind is in that spacious place, neither justifying, nor blaming, nor fixing.
Sam Gabriel, San Diego, CA
http://home.roadrunner.com/~clothespin
sam_gabriel@yahoo.com