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2009-01-02-Fri: Moving On

I posted this message on the sdzen website a couple of days ago:

As I’ve taken on more and more of a teaching role this year, I’ve found that this is causing more and more confusion. Joko and I have different styles. For long-time students I don’t think the problem is too bad, but for newer students this just isn’t going to work.

I’ve decided it is time for me to go off and do my own thing. I don’t really know what this means yet. If you are interested, please follow the http://home.roadrunner.com/~clothespin site, and/or send me an email (sam.w.gabriel AT gmail.com) and I will put you on an email list and notify you of upcoming events.

Most of you are Joko’s students. If you are considering doing any events with me (sesshins, whatever) please talk to her first.

So now I leave the sdzen group to you all. I’ve really enjoyed the time we have spent together, especially the 30-day sesshin — that was great!

I need a couple of volunteers to be the administrators of the sdzen group site. Please send me an email if you are willing to take that on.

I’m now getting messages and calls from people: "What is really going on?"

There is nothing more going on than what I said in the email. There is no hidden drama. My email was good news.

I have huge respect for Joko’s understanding and teaching, and for the difference it has made in my life, and continues to make in my life. And, from what Joko says to me, she has respect for my understanding and for what I am doing.

So what is the problem, if there is one?

I need to tell a story. Like all good Zen stories, it is a story of humiliation.

After I graduated from college, I wasn’t too sure what to do with my life and I ended up moving in with my dad. Well!! You can probably imagine how that worked out. I was young, of a different generation, and headstrong. There really wasn’t a whole lot my dad could do with… that! He was a good guy, though, and he really tried to make it work as best as he could. He was patient. He never kicked me out, never told me to leave. Maybe he gave me a couple of hints here and there. Finally it dawned on me: I need to move out and get on with my life.

When I look back on that time it is just embarrassing. I was so clueless. It was his life; I was living in his house. He paid the mortgage, and took care of the plumbing. Not me! Yet I practically took his place over. It must have been quite a challenge for my father.

Well, I woke up on 12/31 and it hit me — DOH — what it must be for Joko to have someone like me giving talks in her group. I’m like the young kid come home after college, making a lot of noise, thinking I own the place!

It is time to move out, and move on.

I’m embarassed! I’m just dense. But I really appreciate that Joko let me figure it out on my own, with, well, maybe a few hints. I’ve had to figure it all out on my own (with maybe a few hints). But that makes it all mine. Joko is truly a great teacher.

People have asked me what am I going to do? I don’t know. Joko and I do have different styles, and I am of another generation.

What is almost certain is that I will flail around and make mistakes. They are my mistakes to make. Zen is the loneliest possible road. But it is also that which makes loneliness meaningless.

 

Sam Gabriel, San Diego, CA
http://home.roadrunner.com/~clothespin
sam_gabriel@yahoo.com