Zen meditation is extremely simple: just stay, just stay with reality, just stay with this moment. Right?
Simple, but I won’t do it. Sometimes, maybe, but mostly, not. There are two reasons:
I don’t really want to. I would rather think about good times I’ve had, think about good things to come, think about my self.
I won’t be able to.
I might be able to stay in the moment for awhile, if I really want to, but then something will come along, and I won’t be able to any longer. Somebody will say something about me that I don’t like; or, some humiliating event will occur; and I will be hooked: I won’t be able to stop thinking about what has happened.
Shenpa is the hook.
It is like velcro. Life is like the thready part of velcro, rubbing over me. Shenpa is the hooky part of velcro, and the hooky part is in me. Shenpa is that something in me that gets caught when life rubs over me.
Getting hooked like this doesn’t feel too good! Mental spaciousness collapses, spontaneity disappears, and my mind ramps up:
"How can I fix this?"
"How can I fix myself so this won’t happen again?"
"Who can I blame?"
When this happens, what can I do? This is the real meat of Zen practice.
The first thing to do is to stop the bleeding! Stabilize the patient (myself):
Notice I am hooked. Unfortunately, I don’t have any control over this. I won’t notice that I am hooked until I do, and by that time I may already be in the middle of making a mess (getting angry, etc.).
Stop my reacting. I can’t stop my emotional feelings, but I can stop my behavior. If I am in the middle of yelling at somebody, I can just stop. I can excuse myself if I need to.
Recognition. I take a moment to recognize what is going on: "Wow! Cool! I’m hooked! I’ve been practicing Zen for 30 years, and here I am, hooked again!"
Recognition that this is an opportunity for practice. This is the recognition that the hook is in me, that practice is looking this way (towards myself) not that way (towards others). This is the big choice: blame or try to fix something outside, versus investigate inside.
Those steps can help stop the bleeding, but how do I really work with this? How do I really practice with shenpa?
All problems are psychological, and all solutions are spiritual.
The hook within me is psychological, the solution is not psychological. The solution:
I don’t scratch the itch. Regarding shenpa, Pema Chodron talks about the itch, the itch that I must not scratch. Scratching the itch typically means one of the following:
Blaming others
Justifying myself
Fixing myself
Medicating myself
These actions are either avoidance, which won’t lead anywhere, or psychology trying to fix psychology, which is the problem trying to fix the problem.
The alternative to scratching the itch? Allowing the itch to just be there. Allowing the psychological pain of what has happened to just be there.
I investigate what this feels like. Usually all of the itch scratching is an attempt to avoid something that I don’t want to feel, probably something devastating. Investigating my feelings in this matter will be difficult. It will take compassion for myself:
I embrace myself, hold myself.
Then I ask: How does this feel? What does this feel like?
I face up to it! Zen is not about stuffing feelings, and it is not about acting out feelings. Rather, Zen is about directly feeling what is going on with me. Zen is about honesty.
Feeling is healing. Feeling opens up wisdom. There is great wisdom in just "ouch!"
I become available to wisdom. Transformative wisdom comes from outside of my personal self, outside of my psychology. I access this wisdom with questioning: What is going on? And then just watching. This is not figuring it out.
Wisdom, outside of psychology, will often illuminate the psychology that is the problem.
Often the problem is a challenge to my identity, my self-image. Typically, shenpa is an identity, a self-image, that is currently in conflict with reality. Holding on to that identity, self-image, is getting in the way of learning, changing, and adapting; is getting in the way of functioning.
That identity is like a stick stuck in the mud, with all of the river having to push around it, with waves and ripples going all over; as opposed to a stick just floating in the current.
Working with shenpa is to first become aware of this identity. Second it is to see the cost of holding on to this identity. Third it is a natural letting go of this identity when the cost is seen. Finally, there is the feeling of humiliation that comes with letting go of the identity. This humiliation could also be called becoming more like everyone else, or "oneness". This humiliation is a relief, and a feeling of freedom.
What I truly am has no hooks. What I truly am has no identity. Anything in me that gets hooked is not my true self. The more I know this, the easier it is to let these hooks go.
Sam Gabriel, San Diego, CA
http://home.roadrunner.com/~clothespin
sam_gabriel@yahoo.com