What sesshin is about is to live in meditation for five days. But what does "living in meditation" really mean? What does this refer to?
We all have goals. Each of us probably lives our lives something like this:
I have a picture, an image of myself.
Past. I have a lot of ideas about how this self was formed as a result of a past. "I am like this because of these events." This self, pictured in my mind, is the product of events. In a sense, you could say that this self, pictured in my mind, is a victim of circumstances.
Present. I have a lot of ideas about how this self, that I picture in my mind, exists right now. Generally this is a couple of lists, one of positive attributes, and one of negative attributes. This self, that I picture in my mind, is most characterized by a list of negative attributes. The things that I want to change. This self, that I picture in my mind, has characteristics that I want to get rid of, and new characteristics that I want to add to it. You could call this a desire for self improvement.
Future. This list of characteristics that I want to remove, and those that I want to attain, become my goals. There is a lot of support in society for having a list of goals. Every year when I do my performance review, I am required to have a list of goals.
Now having a self image isn’t bad, imagining a past isn’t bad, imagining a present isn’t bad, imagining a future isn’t bad, and having a list of goals isn’t bad. You can’t function in society without these, and society is necessary for our lives. Society isn’t bad either.
Here is the problem: we think that our life is only self image, past, present, future and goals, and this sort of life is simply not fulfilling. It is not fulfilling because what we are is much more than this. What we deeply are, is far different than this.
When we come to a meditation retreat like this, we come to it in our usual way: with a list of goals. "I have these problems in my life, and I want to solve them, get some clarity regarding them, in this meditation retreat." Or, a big one I used to have, "I have this tension in my chest, and I want to find out what it is, in this meditation retreat."
Take a minute to look for yourself, and see what sort of goals you have for this retreat.
We might even think that the retreat is a waste of time without goals. "If I don’t have goals, what is the point?"
I believe there is something deeper that draws us to meditation:
We know somehow that how we live is not satisfying.
We know that there must be more to our lives and to ourselves.
A meditation retreat can be a way to get in touch with our lives and ourselves in a deeper level.
However, it won’t be of much use if we handle it in the same old way! To come here with a set of goals is to perpetuate the same old life. Your goals presuppose elaborate notions of:
a remembered past - but is what you remember what really what happened?
a projected future - do you really know what will happen? And remember, we must consider the possibility of our death, at some completely unpredictable time.
an imagined present. The present moment really has no duration at all, so what we see as the present moment is actually a conception. Haven’t you ever had the experience of seeing something that you thought was real, and it wasn’t? An illusion, a misinterpretation. When it comes to what we see as the present psychological situation of ourselves or others, we are often way off. "I can see that you hate me." "No I don’t!" The present is often projection.
and, finally, what ties it all together, is the image of a self, moving from past, through the present, to the future. Goals serve to prop up one’s self image.
To come to a sesshin with goals, is to come to a sesshin with intent to continue to bolster one’s self image.
The purpose of sesshin, on the other hand, is to find the life and self that lie outside of our self image, and outside the imagined life we weave around it.
Now you may be thinking right now that there is a big flaw in what I am telling you, because I just said "the purpose of sesshin", which implies a goal.
This criticism is right on, and is at the heart of what I want to tell you tonight.
Sesshin has no purpose in the usual sense.
Sitting without goals cannot be construed in a positive sense, only the negative. During our time here, when you observe that you are creating a goal for yourself, or following a goal for yourself, simply let it go. When you observe that you are spinning out thoughts of past, present, and future, don’t be concerned! Just see them, and let them go.
Don’t make "being in the present moment" into a goal. This sort of tight sitting just enforces an image like "I really did a good job at this retreat, I was always present!" That is ego, self image.
Observe, feel, let it go.
Neither promote, nor resist. If overwhelming feelings come up for you, feel them! It is OK to cry here.
Here is the key point: this sesshin is not your journey. You aren’t in charge of this journey, and neither am I. That life that you are desperately missing, that life, aliveness, outside of yourself, is what is in charge.
So watch everything very closely, listen attentively. Your first big heavy boot step at the sesshin here, towards your big heavy goals for the self that you imagine in your mind, may set in flight a thousand moths. Allow yourself for once to be distracted from those big heavy goals.
Look at those moths. Where are they going?
Sam Gabriel, San Diego, CA
http://home.roadrunner.com/~clothespin
sam_gabriel@yahoo.com