Don't Worry, I'm not Leaving you.

I'm Just Going to the Store.

By Iris Feliciano 10/04/01

Today my sister Mary was laid out in the funeral parlor for family members and friends
to view. It wasn't a sunny day, and it was raining. One good thing about the rain, no one
really sees you crying. The tears blend so well with the rain. I'm getting dressed now,
and soon I'll be leaving to Ruggiero and Sons Funeral Home.

I'm feeling kind of numb right now, not wanting to cry. Maybe I'm not dealing with the
fact that Mary is really gone. Funny, I always loved writing, but never before as much as
I do now. I guess Mary seems to be my motivation.

Daddy (my husband) is dressed, and he's telling me it's time to go. First we'll stop at the
bank, because he needs money. The highway is in view. I see it right in front of us, so
we'll be on our way any time now.

It's true what people say about the weather. It does affect the way one feels. The day is
gloomy, and it is raining. I'm feeling more depressed because of it. Even the radio disc
jockeys seem to know how I feel. All the music they play are sad songs. Although
I'm usually a happy-go-lucky person, I'm not into any up-tempo music today. Funny, I
feel like they understand my mood. They are trying to comply with my feelings, and they
don't want to upset me. Aren't they considerate? They have just put on a Kenny G song.
His songs are almost always sad melodies.

We're on the highway now. I'm looking at the cars as they go by. Funny, they seem to
be moving in slow motion. I can't even hear them. It's like they are really floating off
the ground. The only thing I hear is the sound of the windshield wipers going back and
forth, back and forth.

While Daddy's driving, I'm just looking out the window, and watching the rain. I don't
really feel like talking. We're crossing the bridge now. Pretty soon we'll be there. I'm
not in much of a rush to get there. I feel there is a lot of pain waiting for me when I get
there. I wish I could procrastinate and delay our getting there, but I know it's only the
inevitable.

We have just paid the toll. The closer we get, the more nervous I become. The rain is
getting heavier. Daddy has increased the speed of the windshield wipers. It's getting
harder to see through the window. Anticipation, I wish my heart would stop beating so
hard and so fast. "Calm down, calm down", I keep telling myself. We have just exited
off the highway, and we will be there soon.

Daddy just called the funeral parlor to make sure we had the right directions.
Anticipation, anticipation, and the rains keep coming down. Well we just arrived. Mary
would be very impressed with us. You see Daddy and I am usually the last ones to
arrive at any function, and we are the first to arrive. My brother Freddy and his wife
Mercy just arrived. Now everyone seems to be coming in at the same time. No one is
allowed to see my sister until her husband Ronnie has a chance to view her first.

It's 2:25pm; Ronnie has sent word with the funeral director that we could go in now.
Everyone has gone in now, but I still can't work up the courage to go in. My nephew
Ralphie just walked up to me and feels the same way I do. I guess we'll keep each other
company.

It's quiet now; everyone went upstairs where Mary is being viewed. My sister Irma just
came down. She had to go to the ladies room. On her way back upstairs she walked up
to me and said the priest was about to say a few words. I told her I still couldn't go
upstairs. She told me not to worry. Mary would understand it was hard for me. She told
me that she would tell her that "I just went to the store".

That was a private joke between my sister Mary and me. Ever since she entered the
Hospital, whenever I walked away from her she would say, "Iris, please don't leave me".
I would always reply, "Don't worry, I'm not leaving you, I'm just going to the store" She
would smile at me and say, "OK".

I'm hearing some praying upstairs where Mary is being viewed. She must be smiling
now. I know she must be very happy, because so many of her loved ones are here. There is standing room only. So many family members and old friends came to give their last
respects.

As I'm sitting down here, I keep seeing people come in. Some flew in from Puerto Rico,
Some are from Florida, others drove in from North Carolina, Connecticut, Virginia and
even New Jersey. They seem to come from all over. Amazing how so many people
found out about it. You could really feel the love here.

Daddy just came down. He told me a lot of the family members and friends are taking
turns speaking. They are reminiscing about certain times they spent with Mary. My
youngest daughter Marci was the first to get up and speak. I'm truly sorry I was not there
to hear her talk. Everyone was saying how funny Mary was and how happy she made all
of them feel, whenever she was around. As for me, I always told her how much I loved
her. It was always the last words we told each other, whenever we said good-bye, either
on the telephone or in person.

Well, everyone seems to be coming back downstairs. The funeral home will be closing
for two hours. It closes for a few hours so the family and friends could take a break. We
are going to go get something to eat. Every person that has approached me tells me to be
strong. I'm not the one with the strength, Mary was. I always told her that she had the
most endurance than anyone I knew aside from Mom. So I just keep smiling and keep
holding in my tears, and tell them I'm all right.

Well we are all returning from our meals. It will be another two hours before we say
good night to Mary. There are more family members and friends, all of them asking me
"How are you holding up? Are you OK?" Smiling I say "Yes", and again I hold back
the tears as best as I can, although there were a few times that I slipped, and tears ran
down.

It's hard; so hard; I really miss my sister. I loved her so much. I feel like there is a hole
in my heart. Well everyone is saying goodnight now. I guess it's time to go home and
try and get some sleep. I must really try and get some sleep, for tomorrow is going to be
a very long day. It rained all day today. I hope it doesn't rain tomorrow.

It's 5:30am and it's raining. Daddy just woke me up, and it's time to start getting ready for today. We are leaving early, because we need to pick up a rented van in Newark Airport for Marci. She, and her boyfriend Carlos are supposed to be going away for the weekend. They are going with their sorority and fraternity clubs. They had planned the weekend months ago. I guess it's a good idea to get away and try to put your problems aside for a while. I wish I could, that is, put aside my pain for a while.

Today is September 21; it would have been my father's birthday, had he been alive.
Mary is going to be laid to rest today, and it is still raining. I feel that the skies are
crying. I feel so sad. I believe Mary is with my Mom and Dad now. They must have
been happy to see her. And the rain keeps coming down.

Well, Carlos, Marci, Daddy and I packed into our small car and are on our way to
Newark Airport. We're beginning to see daylight now. The weather seems to be getting
warmer. And the rain seems to be subsiding.

7:00am and only two and a half hours left for our last viewing of Mary. I hope I can
build up the courage to see her. It's been thirty-two years since I viewed a family
member. Not since my mother. I never got to view my father or my sister Tina. God
give me the strength. Let me say goodbye to her.

We've just arrived at Newark Airport to pick up the van. Marci and Carlos just told me,
my nephew Ralphie is also going with them. That's good. He needs to get away too. It's
8:00am, and I'm sitting in the car by myself waiting for Daddy, Marci, and Carlos. They
have just gone into the office to do the paper work and pick up the van.

The rain has stopped. The sky looks clearer. I really hope the weather holds up. A lot of
people are expected to go to the cemetery, and I expect the grounds will be very wet. I
hope it doesn't begin to rain again.

We have picked up the van and are on our way back to the bridge. We are crossing the
George Washington Bridge and we are on our way to the Bronx. It's 9:45 am, and we are
running late. Everyone must be there already.

Well, we have arrived, and everyone beginning to say there last goodbyes. God, please
help me through this. Marci and my best friend Elsie are by my side now. They are
going to help me go upstairs. Elsie is holding my left hand tight, Marci's on the right
side talking to me. "Thank you God", she's really putting me at ease. "Don't look up
Mom", she keeps repeating, Mary knows you are here, stay calm. Up the stairs I go,
"Please don't let me go Elsie". She reassures me everything is going to be all right.

I'm finally upstairs, only 25 or 30 feet more to go before I'm by Mary. Marci
reminds me not to look up. I look around the room; it looks like a chapel. There are tall
beams forming a steeple with sofas and love seats instead of chairs. I'm beginning to
relax. I'm also trying to control my breathing. Marci tells me to breath slowly. Thank
God for having her by me. I begin to take deep breaths.

Elsie and Marci are on each side of me. I'm finally going to do it. I'm going to walk up
to the casket. I'm going to be near Mary. I start to walk very slow and looking down all
the time. Now I'm near her. I know because I feel Elsie's hand squeeze mine, as if to let
me know. Marci tells me to follow her and keep my eyes downward. She says, "Mom,
she's right behind you, and she knows you are here.

"I love you, Mary, I love you, Mary," I repeat. Please forgive me for not looking at you
directly. It hurts. It hurts so badly. Well, I'm on my way back, feeling a little better
because I came upstairs to see her. Pretty soon we will be going to mass. The funeral
director is asking us to start getting into our cars. We must move quickly because there
are a lot of people.

There are so many cars, so many cars. I must take the time to count them. We have just
arrived at St. Raymond's Church. Mary went to this church. It's very beautiful and
simple at the same time. Freddy my brother said the eulogy. It was very beautiful. We
are now on our way to the cemetery. But first, we stop at Mary's house. It seems my
brother-in-law Ronnie had a wreathe (small heart shape) to pick up. We are back on the
road again.

The sun seems to want to come out. I hope the grounds at the cemetery are not too wet.
The temperature must be nearing the seventies; I'm feeling the warmth of the sun on me.
I hope I can handle the cemetery as well as I handled the funeral parlor. We are
approaching Randalls Avenue and will take the exit out. We should be there any moment
now. The sun just appeared. "Hello Mr. Sunshine."

It's really beginning to get hot. I'm happy the rain stopped. I'm looking at my sister
Irma in front of me. God, please watch over her. She's my older sister, and she's got
medical problems. I don't want her to get sick. My oldest sister is Dora, and she's got
high blood pressure. We also have got to keep an eye on her. My other sister Rose
missed us at the funeral parlor, but made it to the church on time. She's always been
the quiet one. She's the one that keeps to herself a lot. I pray for her health too.

Well we have arrived. All my brothers and sisters Paul, Ralph, Freddy, Dora, Irma, Rose
and I, plus the rest of the family and friends are here now. Right now we are in our cars
waiting for the funeral director to let us know when we can approach the site in which
Mary will be laid to rest. We are stepping out; her husband and Ryan (Mary's son) are
first. The brothers and sisters follow them. Finally, the rest of the family and friends
follow.

The priest says a few words again. Everyone goes by and puts a rose on the casket. I,
with my heavy heart, stop in front and remind Mary how much I love her and how much
I'll miss her. I lay my rose and quietly walk away.

It's over; we start to walk back to the car. I feel like a zombie. I'm still not dealing with
this too well. I approach my car, but suddenly I get this great sensation to start counting
the cars. It gives me something to do besides wanting to scream. One, two, three and I
keep counting. I count forty-four cars in all.

Forty-four cars and over one hundred people came. They all came to pay my sister Mary
their last respects before leaving. I looked up to the sky and told her, "Don't worry Mary,
I'm not leaving you. I'm just going to the store".