The new Voluntary Compliance Plan for Terrorism (VCPT) recently announced by the White House is already being touted as the definitive solution to international terrorism.  From Colombia to Chechnya, from Palestine to Peru, from India to the United States, a Who's Who of international terrorist groups is coming on board for this innovative new program.
    Administered by the U.S. Department of Homeland Security, VCPT is elegant in its simplicity.  VCPT offers low-cost seminars to terrorists to familiarize them with U.S. laws and regulations against terrorism.  They are also provided with tools to teach their fellow terrorists about VCPT.  "Our 'Train the Trainer' courses are particularly effective," says Homeland Security spokesman Bruno Bibbit.  Every VCPT graduate gets an "I took the pledge!" pin.
    VCPT is the first anti-terrorist program that delves into the terrorist psyche.  "Hey, they're pretty much like us," says Bibbit. "They just don't know blowing up buildings and poisoning water supplies and gassing entire populations are against the law.  A little basic training can make all the difference."  One VCPT graduate from Hamas was unstinting in his praise of the program.  "I never knew that suicide bombings were a bad thing," he said.  "VCPT has opened my eyes.  When I go home, I'll tell the guys to try real hard to cut down on that stuff.  If my flight actually makes it back, that is."
    Flexibility is the hallmark of VCPT.  "We can't expect them to cease all terrorist activity cold turkey," explains Bibbit.  "We ask them to establish their own goals.  'Targets,' we call them.  You get more buy-in if the terrorists are allowed to decide their own targets.  Examples of target behaviors are to reduce suicide bombings by 10% a  year, to restrict activities to a certain country or region, or to eliminate biological weapons from their repertoire.  Some people ask why they can't just stop all at once, but it's really obvious if you just think about it.  Some groups have massive inventories of expensive chemical, biological, nuclear, and conventional weapons.  They need a reasonable period of time to use that stuff up.   Then there's the whole demobilization issue. They need time to re-integrate their employees into the local economies.  We wouldn't want a glut of explosives experts, hijackers, and hit men to hit the market all at once."
    Critics have uncharitably pointed out that VCPT has no consequences for noncompliance.  Bibbit scoffs at such criticism.  "That's what 'voluntary' means," he points out.  "You've got to trust people to do what they promise.  We're talking about men of stature who represent influential international organizations.  Enforcement is for working stiffs and welfare cheats."
    A grinning Osama bin Laden was spotted giving the "thumbs up" sign and sporting his "I took the pledge!" button on his "I am a Holy Terror" T-shirt.  Now, who can argue with that?