Once upon a time, there lived a poor widow and her
son Jack. Jack was
goodhearted, but a brick or two short of a load. One day, Jack's
mother asked him to go to
the co-op and buy some chicken soup.
"This is the last of our money," she said, "and
chicken soup is the best food ever
made, so I figured we better go with it."
Jack started obediently out for the co-op, but it
was rather a long walk.
"Chemical Food Giant is closer," thought Jack.
"What's the difference?"
So, Jack went to Chemical Food Giant instead.
Well, CFG was a lot bigger than
the co-op, and before long Jack got lost. As he was wandering
around looking for chicken
soup, an unfamiliar voice spoke to him.
"Psst! Hey, kid!" said the voice.
"Buy us!"
Jack looked all around. There were plenty
of people, but none of them seemed at
all interested in him.
"No, no!" said the voice. "Over here!
In the bin!"
The voice was coming from a bin full of beans.
"Beans can't talk," said Jack simply.
"We can," answered the beans. "We've been
genetically engineered. We're as
smart as you are. Make that twice as smart."
"Wow! Talking beans!" said Jack, starting
to get interested. "But I can't buy you.
My mother told me to buy chicken soup."
"Chicken soup!?" scoffed the beans.
"Bor-ring! Get something interesting for a
change."
"I don't know ..." said Jack.
"Be a man!" wheedled the beans. "Make your
own decisions. Your mother will be
proud of you!"
And so, Jack bought the beans and took them home.
"Beans!" Jack's mother cried. "Is that all
you got with the money I gave you? We
can't live on beans!"
She reached for the beans, meaning to throw them
out the window. But the beans
deftly sidestepped her lunge, twisted her arm behind her back in a
hammerlock, and threw
her out the window.
"How about some supper?" they suggested.
Jack ate some of the beans. Shortly after,
he began to hallucinate. In his
hallucination, Jack was running around a castle hiding from a vicious
giant.
"Fee, fi, fo, fum!" bellowed the giant. "I
smell the blood of an American!"
Fortunately, the giant tired and fell asleep, and
Jack was able to heist the giant's
magic, golden-egg-laying hen. When he came to, Jack found that feathers
were beginning to
grow out of his skin. Unfortunately, his eggs weren't golden.
Although his first experience with the beans was
less than satisfactory, Jack ate
beans a second time. After all, there was nothing else to eat.
In short order, he found
himself running around the giant's castle again.
"Fee, fi, fo, fum! I smell the blood of an
American!"
The giant fell asleep again. This time, Jack
pinched a sack of the giant's gold.
When he came to himself, his skin had taken on a dull golden sheen.
Well, hunger will have its way, and Jack had a third
helping of beans. Quicker than
you can say "Jack Whatever-his-last-name-is," Jack was back in the
giant's castle. This
time the giant caught him and popped Jack into his mouth.
"Fee, fi, fo, foo!" screamed the giant. "You
taste like something from the bottom of
my shoe!"
And he spit Jack out.
When Jack quit hallucinating, he found that he was
turning into a bean. A feathery,
goldish bean.
There was one bean left.
"I think I should have gotten the chicken soup,"
said Jack remorsefully.
"Don't beat yourself up, kid," said the bean.
"The chickens were genetically
engineered, too. If you think you’re a mess, you should
see the guy that bought the chicken
soup!"
This story was first published in the Wheatsville Breeze,
March/April 1997.