The Word

This article was originally written for and posted in the "Off-Topic Forum" at www.renderosity.com, an online art community with well over 100,000 members. I use the member name "Bobasaur" within that community so that name is used when I refer to myself in this article.

Too Mad! Too Sad! Too Bad!… NOT!
Emotions are good. Kind of. On one hand they motivate us to do things that can make life more pleasant (or less unpleasant). On the other hand, if they're too strong we act stupidly and make things worse. Oh come on, admit it - I'm 100% sure that all of us have at one time or another made things worse because of our emotions.

My purpose is pretty straight forward. I want to provide a simple introduction to what *causes* emotions that are so strong that they become counterproductive or even destructive. I'll explain how emotions work and describe what humans do when things don't go their way. I'll then explain what has to be done to reduce the emotions to more beneficial levels. If you apply this information, you'll find that your emotions become positive forces in your life instead of counter-productive or even destructive.

Warnings: This really is as simple as it sounds but it can be a big challenge to apply. The results, however, are worth the effort. Also, this write up was about 5 pages long in MS Word so you may find it easier to read if you print it out or at least save the page to read at your convenience.

I will not be talking about biochemistry. If someone is clinically depressed this information will be helpful but won't re-balance your body chemistry. However the most effective treatments for depression consist of medication combined with cognitive therapy based on the principals I'm presenting. Therefore it's worth your time - it's a start towards feeling better - but it's only a part of the cure.

Who the heck do I think I am? Why should you take my word for this stuff? Don't. Contact your nearest Cognitive Therapist. Let them explain the fundamentals of what's clinically called "emotional disturbance" and compare it with what I've written. I'm using my own words but I'm explaining what is known as Rational Emotive Behavioral Therapy - pioneered by Dr. Albert Ellis (www.rebt.org) . It's been one of the most successful types of Cognitive Therapy for years and is used in (among other things) Anger Management training all over the USA. Obviously, people who just read or hear the information but don't apply it don't see any improvement but those that actually use this information get better. I'm not a therapist at this point in life but I've got the training and the credentials and have lead Anger Management groups as well as private counseling.

Also, I'm trying to keep this simple so please don't hesitate to ask questions if I skim over something too lightly.

I Can't Make You Mad
When people talk about their emotions, they often say a specific event caused an emotion. ("YOU MADE ME SO MAD!!!!") If you think about it though, the same event doesn't always result in the same emotion. Let's look at a couple of scenarios.

You walk into a room. A cute, adorable little girl, about kindergarten age, and looks up at you. She smiles and says sweetly, "You suck!"

Later you walk into a different room. A huge guy wearing black leather and spikes walks up to you and stares you in the eyes. You watch him start to turn red and shake, all the while staring grimly down at you. Finally, he screams at you, "You suck!"

I bet most of you would feel different in each case, but why? In each case the same thing was done to you: someone said, "You suck!" But you would have a different emotional response in each case, wouldn't you? Fear, amusement, anger, embarrassment or who knows what else.

According to the Laws of Causality, one of the characteristics that defines a legitimate 'cause' is that the result is the same every time the event happens. In other words, if someone saying "you suck" really *caused* you to feel a certain way, you'd feel that exact same way every time someone said it. It wouldn't matter of it was a smiling little girl or a scary black-leather guy. But we've already established that you don't always feel the same emotion when the same event occurs. Therefore it's completely incorrect to say that someone saying "you suck" actually *made* you feel a particular feeling.

[I'm trying to keep this focused so I'm not going further into the laws of causality unless requested]

If you think about it, you'll notice that in each case you'd have different beliefs about the situation. Your beliefs - aha, that's the ticket! Your beliefs about an event are what actually causes the emotions.

Humans have beliefs about the different aspects of life (duh!). These beliefs come from both internal and external sources. They can be categorized into beliefs about the way the world should or shouldn't be, beliefs about the way other people should or shouldn't behave, and beliefs about ourselves and how we should or shouldn't be. These beliefs are expressions of our desires and are often very reasonable and good. If you want life to be fair, people to treat each other kindly, or yourself to be a more positive person, that's good. There is nothing wrong with any of those wants or desires. They motivate us to do things that can make life more pleasant (or at least less unpleasant).

We may want to be accepted for something other than our body so we think, "I believe people should care about me for my mind, not my body." We may want a better job so we think, " I believe I should have a better job." We may want life to be more fair so we think, "I believe I should have a fairer chance at getting a better job!"

Hey wait a minute - do you see what I see? Each one of these beliefs has a similar element - the word "should!"

"Should" Can Be Evil!
Just about every time we get angry or depressed, the word "should" is involved. "This idiot should know better than to trust his government." "She should not have cut me off on the freeway." "He should pay more attention to me." "People who have should share with those who don't." "I should not have drank so much last night." Don't get me wrong, it has legitimate uses. However, it's frequently used to represent a demand that we impose based on our desires. Even though we want something good, we sometimes intensify that want into a demand and express it as 'should.' When the word 'should' is used this it way becomes dangerous and is a sure indicator of the beliefs that actually cause the unwanted emotions.

It's perfectly normal to want things but the more intensely we want something (the more we demand it), the more upset we become when it doesn't happen. Emotional disturbance (emotions that are so strong that they become counterproductive or destructive) is *caused* by us demanding (usually expressed as something 'should' be some way) that reality (what is) conform to our desires (what we want)!

Think about the implications of that statement for a minute. We cause ourselves to be angry by believing that reality 'should' conform to whatever it is that we want in a certain situation. That little girls parents 'should' have taught her better manners… Big guys in leather outfits 'should' not act threatening to smaller people…

Let me try to carefully explain this. Humans have certain behaviors that we obligate each other to conform to based on laws, religious values, or social practices. That's true. However, does anyone really *have* to comply with them? No. We call it free will. People break those obligations all the time. Demanding that someone comply with these obligations when they have chosen not to is the same thing as demanding that reality change. They may pay serious consequences but they chose not to comply - that's reality.

You don't have to look very far to see that reality quite often doesn't match our desires. I'm pretty sure 100% of the people reading this know life isn't fair, other people don't always treat each other kindly, and we are often not the way we want to be. Those occasions, when reality doesn't match our desires, are when we are most likely to feel emotions strong enough to be counterproductive or even destructive. We go into a screaming rage or dark depression and possibly even 'medicate' ourselves so we don't feel it. We hurt loved ones, make enemies, maybe even physically act out based on our anger or depression - thereby making things worse.

If I had a pencil and wanted it to write with red ink and flew into a rage because it wouldn't, you'd think I was nuts, right? You know it's foolish for me to demand that reality (it's a pencil with lead) conform to my personal demands (that it output red ink). Well guess what? We ALL do the same thing. We demand that the universe, other people, or ourselves change from what it really is (or what really happened) to what we demand it to be. That's completely irrational isn't it!

Use It Or Lose It
So far we've seen that emotional disturbance is caused by our beliefs about life, other people, and ourselves. We've seen that these beliefs are expressions of our desires and the more intensely we desire (or demand) something be a certain way, the more upset we will be when it inevitably (sooner or later) isn't the way we want it.

If I accepted the reality that the pencil was only a pencil and could only leave lead marks instead of red ink, would I be as likely to be angry? No. I'd still want the red ink. I'd still be motivated to make my life better by looking for a red pen. But I'd be much less likely to make things worse by destroying the pencil and having nothing at all to write with wouldn't I? I'd have emotions that were strong enough to motivate me to change things without being counter-productive or destructive.

The key to keeping one's emotions within constructive limits is twofold. First, accept reality. [Important Note: accepting reality absolutely DOES NOT mean liking it. You still retain the motivation to want things to change but you are able to work towards those changes based on a reality you acknowledge rather than wishful thinking.] Second, force yourself to reduce the intensity of your beliefs from *demands* back to *wants*.

As you learn to say, "What happened is not what I want but it's what really happened" instead of, "THAT SHOULD NOT HAVE HAPPENED," you'll find that you're better able to think clearly and respond constructively because your emotional disturbance will be reduced. Your wants will be the same but you will have eliminated the irrational beliefs that cause you to have emotions strong enough to be counter-productive or destructive.

If you were to sit with a good cognitive therapist, you'd look at specific events and your reactions. You may check your perceptions for accuracy. Then you'd look at your beliefs about what you perceived. You'd identify the demands within your beliefs and learn to logically refute them. You'd train your mind to accept that what is real is real.

If you feel tremendous anger, the odds are that you're thinking something like:
"(I believe) Bobasaur should not waste my time with these long posts."
"(I believe) Bobasaur should learn to write more succinctly."
"(I believe) Bobasaur shouldn't try to show off his supposed knowledge."

The more intensely you believe any of these thoughts, the more strongly you will feel whatever emotion you're feeling and the more likely it is that you will become counter-productive or destructive - for example you might post an insulting response that gets you in trouble for violating TOS.

In each statement, although the reality is that Bobasaur *did in fact* post a book-long post, you are irrationally demanding that that reality conform to you desires (no wasted time, a quicker read, humility on Bobasaur's part). That is not rational. Bobsaur did what he did and that reality is in no way required to fulfill your wants or desires.

If you force yourself to think, "I wish Bobasaur hadn't posted such a long post but he did. I can survive it" you'll find you become much less upset and much better able to handle the reality that Bobasaur really did what he did. You may have to work very hard to make yourself think that way, but you can!

If you can learn to recognize these corollary thoughts, you can integrate them into the thoughts you use to replace your irrational demands:

"I want Bobasaur to write shorter posts but he didn't. It could have been worse, he could have written twice as much. I am standing it although it's quite unpleasant! Somewhere there's probably something he does that *is* good so I guess he's not a complete jerk."

Summary

I've demonstrated that it's our beliefs about events that actually cause emotional disturbance. I've shown how some of our beliefs are completely irrational - we demand that life, other people, and ourselves conform to our beliefs even though there's a 100% guarantee that at least occasionally it won't happen. I've shown examples of replacing these beliefs with rational ones that acknowledge reality as well as our wants. I think I've covered everything I started out to.

The key to keeping your emotions to a level where they aren't counterproductive or destructive is by doing this:
1). Acknowledge the truth that the universe has absolutely no obligation to conform to your wants.
2). Acknowledge the truth that life, other people, and yourself are 100% guaranteed to not comply with your wants sometimes.
3). When you find yourself in an emotional state, examine your thoughts. Which ones are irrational because they essentially demand that reality be something other than it actually is? They can usually be identified by determining which ones state that something 'should' be a specific way even though it clearly isn't.
4). As you recognize those irrational demands, force yourself to replace those thoughts with thoughts that acknowledge the reality of the situation and that acknowledge your wants.
5). As you find yourself thinking any of the 3 corollary thoughts, force yourself to recognize that they are not true.

You can refuse to become emotionally disturbed about things. It can be a lot of work because it requires that we consciously change our way of thinking, but it can be done. As you change the way you think - your beliefs and demands about life, other people and yourself - you'll find that you are able to work toward fulfilling your wants more effectively because you're thinking more clearly. That's a good thing!



The Word > I Think. Therefore I'm Angry!
I Think. Therefore I'm Angry! *(What really makes you mad?)* By Kevin Flach This article was originally written for and posted in the "Off-Topic Forum" at www.renderosity.com, an online art community with well over 100,000 members. I use the member name "Bobasaur" within that community so that name is used when I refer to myself in this article. Too Mad! Too Sad! Too Bad!… NOT! Emotions are good. Kind of. On one hand they motivate us to do things that can make life more pleasant (or less unpleasant). On the other hand, if they're too strong we act stupidly and make things worse. Oh come on, admit it - I'm 100% sure that all of us have at one time or another made things worse because of our emotions. My purpose is pretty straight forward. I want to provide a simple introduction to what causes emotions that are so strong that they become counterproductive or even destructive. I'll explain how emotions work and describe what humans do when things don't go their way. I'll then explain what has to be done to reduce the emotions to more beneficial levels. If you apply this information, you'll find that your emotions become positive forces in your life instead of counter-productive or even destructive. Warnings: This really is as simple as it sounds but it can be a big challenge to apply. The results, however, are worth the effort. Also, this write up was about 5 pages long in MS Word so you may find it easier to read if you print it out or at least save the page to read at your convenience. I will not be talking about biochemistry. If someone is clinically depressed this information will be helpful but won't re-balance your body chemistry. However the most effective treatments for depression consist of medication combined with cognitive therapy based on the principals I'm presenting. Therefore it's worth your time - it's a start towards feeling better - but it's only a part of the cure. Who the heck do I think I am? Why should you take my word for this stuff? Don't. Contact your nearest Cognitive Therapist. Let them explain the fundamentals of what's clinically called "emotional disturbance" and compare it with what I've written. I'm using my own words but I'm explaining what is known as Rational Emotive Behavioral Therapy - pioneered by Dr. Albert Ellis (www.rebt.org) . It's been one of the most successful types of Cognitive Therapy for years and is used in (among other things) Anger Management training all over the USA. Obviously, people who just read or hear the information but don't apply it don't see any improvement but those that actually use this information get better. I'm not a therapist at this point in life but I've got the training and the credentials and have lead Anger Management groups as well as private counseling. Also, I'm trying to keep this simple so please don't hesitate to ask questions if I skim over something too lightly. I Can't Make You Mad When people talk about their emotions, they often say a specific event caused an emotion. ("YOU MADE ME SO MAD!!!!") If you think about it though, the same event doesn't always result in the same emotion. Let's look at a couple of scenarios. You walk into a room. A cute, adorable little girl, about kindergarten age, and looks up at you. She smiles and says sweetly, "You suck!" How do you feel? Later you walk into a different room. A huge guy wearing black leather and spikes walks up to you and stares you in the eyes. You watch him start to turn red and shake, all the while staring grimly down at you. Finally, he screams at you, "You suck!" How do you feel? I bet most of you would feel different in each case, but why? In each case the same thing was done to you: someone said, "You suck!" But you would have a different emotional response in each case, wouldn't you? Fear, amusement, anger, embarrassment or who knows what else. According to the Laws of Causality, one of the characteristics that defines a legitimate 'cause' is that the result is the same every time the event happens. In other words, if someone saying "you suck" really caused you to feel a certain way, you'd feel that exact same way every time someone said it. It wouldn't matter of it was a smiling little girl or a scary black-leather guy. But we've already established that you don't always feel the same emotion when the same event occurs. Therefore it's completely incorrect to say that someone saying "you suck" actually made you feel a particular feeling. [I'm trying to keep this focused so I'm not going further into the laws of causality unless requested] So what made the emotions different? If you think about it, you'll notice that in each case you'd have different beliefs about the situation. Your beliefs - aha, that's the ticket! Your beliefs about an event are what actually causes the emotions. Humans have beliefs about the different aspects of life (duh!). These beliefs come from both internal and external sources. They can be categorized into beliefs about the way the world should or shouldn't be, beliefs about the way other people should or shouldn't behave, and beliefs about ourselves and how we should or shouldn't be. These beliefs are expressions of our desires and are often very reasonable and good. If you want life to be fair, people to treat each other kindly, or yourself to be a more positive person, that's good. There is nothing wrong with any of those wants or desires. They motivate us to do things that can make life more pleasant (or at least less unpleasant). We may want to be accepted for something other than our body so we think, "I believe people should care about me for my mind, not my body." We may want a better job so we think, " I believe I should have a better job." We may want life to be more fair so we think, "I believe I should have a fairer chance at getting a better job!" Hey wait a minute - do you see what I see? Each one of these beliefs has a similar element - the word "should!" "Should" Can Be Evil! Just about every time we get angry or depressed, the word "should" is involved. "This idiot should know better than to trust his government." "She should not have cut me off on the freeway." "He should pay more attention to me." "People who have should share with those who don't." "I should not have drank so much last night." Don't get me wrong, it has legitimate uses. However, it's frequently used to represent a demand that we impose based on our desires. Even though we want something good, we sometimes intensify that want into a demand and express it as 'should.' When the word 'should' is used this it way becomes dangerous and is a sure indicator of the beliefs that actually cause the unwanted emotions. It's perfectly normal to want things but the more intensely we want something (the more we demand it), the more upset we become when it doesn't happen. Emotional disturbance (emotions that are so strong that they become counterproductive or destructive) is caused by us demanding (usually expressed as something 'should' be some way) that reality (what is) conform to our desires (what we want)! Think about the implications of that statement for a minute. We cause ourselves to be angry by believing that reality 'should' conform to whatever it is that we want in a certain situation. That little girls parents 'should' have taught her better manners… Big guys in leather outfits 'should' not act threatening to smaller people… "But Bobasaur, there are things people 'should' do, like obey the law!" Let me try to carefully explain this. Humans have certain behaviors that we obligate each other to conform to based on laws, religious values, or social practices. That's true. However, does anyone really have to comply with them? No. We call it free will. People break those obligations all the time. Demanding that someone comply with these obligations when they have chosen not to is the same thing as demanding that reality change. They may pay serious consequences but they chose not to comply - that's reality. You don't have to look very far to see that reality quite often doesn't match our desires. I'm pretty sure 100% of the people reading this know life isn't fair, other people don't always treat each other kindly, and we are often not the way we want to be. Those occasions, when reality doesn't match our desires, are when we are most likely to feel emotions strong enough to be counterproductive or even destructive. We go into a screaming rage or dark depression and possibly even 'medicate' ourselves so we don't feel it. We hurt loved ones, make enemies, maybe even physically act out based on our anger or depression - thereby making things worse. If I had a pencil and wanted it to write with red ink and flew into a rage because it wouldn't, you'd think I was nuts, right? You know it's foolish for me to demand that reality (it's a pencil with lead) conform to my personal demands (that it output red ink). Well guess what? We ALL do the same thing. We demand that the universe, other people, or ourselves change from what it really is (or what really happened) to what we demand it to be. That's completely irrational isn't it! Use It Or Lose It So far we've seen that emotional disturbance is caused by our beliefs about life, other people, and ourselves. We've seen that these beliefs are expressions of our desires and the more intensely we desire (or demand) something be a certain way, the more upset we will be when it inevitably (sooner or later) isn't the way we want it. How can we use this knowledge? If I accepted the reality that the pencil was only a pencil and could only leave lead marks instead of red ink, would I be as likely to be angry? No. I'd still want the red ink. I'd still be motivated to make my life better by looking for a red pen. But I'd be much less likely to make things worse by destroying the pencil and having nothing at all to write with wouldn't I? I'd have emotions that were strong enough to motivate me to change things without being counter-productive or destructive. The key to keeping one's emotions within constructive limits is twofold. First, accept reality. [Important Note: accepting reality absolutely DOES NOT mean liking it. You still retain the motivation to want things to change but you are able to work towards those changes based on a reality you acknowledge rather than wishful thinking.] Second, force yourself to reduce the intensity of your beliefs from demands back to wants. As you learn to say, "What happened is not what I want but it's what really happened" instead of, "THAT SHOULD NOT HAVE HAPPENED," you'll find that you're better able to think clearly and respond constructively because your emotional disturbance will be reduced. Your wants will be the same but you will have eliminated the irrational beliefs that cause you to have emotions strong enough to be counter-productive or destructive. If you were to sit with a good cognitive therapist, you'd look at specific events and your reactions. You may check your perceptions for accuracy. Then you'd look at your beliefs about what you perceived. You'd identify the demands within your beliefs and learn to logically refute them. You'd train your mind to accept that what is real is real. Example: Activating Event: Bobasaur posts a book-long post. If you feel tremendous anger, the odds are that you're thinking something like: "(I believe) Bobasaur should not waste my time with these long posts." "(I believe) Bobasaur should learn to write more succinctly." "(I believe) Bobasaur shouldn't try to show off his supposed knowledge." The more intensely you believe any of these thoughts, the more strongly you will feel whatever emotion you're feeling and the more likely it is that you will become counter-productive or destructive - for example you might post an insulting response that gets you in trouble for violating TOS. In each statement, although the reality is that Bobasaur did in fact post a book-long post, you are irrationally demanding that that reality conform to you desires (no wasted time, a quicker read, humility on Bobasaur's part). That is not rational. Bobsaur did what he did and that reality is in no way required to fulfill your wants or desires. If you force yourself to think, "I wish Bobasaur hadn't posted such a long post but he did. I can survive it" you'll find you become much less upset and much better able to handle the reality that Bobasaur really did what he did. You may have to work very hard to make yourself think that way, but you can! Critical Corollaries Researchers have found that there are 3 corollary thoughts that accompany emotional disturbance. 1). We 'awfulize' the situation. We tell ourselves "this is awful" - and by so doing make it concrete in our mind that this is absolutely the worst that it could be. This is irrational because things can ALWAYS be worse. 2). We say, "I can't stand this" (or “handle it”). That's irrational because we obviously are handling it. It probably is unpleasant and uncomfortable but we ARE handling it. 3). We damn things. We define the entire being of someone or something as bad because our wishes weren't complied with. I used to be real bad about this when it came to people cutting in front of me on the highway without using their turn signals. I'd yell or mutter "JERK!" Now think about that - I've just defined that driver's whole being because of one event. That person may have been the kindest, most generous person in the world and was running a homeless person's baby to the hospital with an emergency, but I defined them as a jerk because they didn't conform to my belief that people 'should' use their turn signals. Is that rational? NO! And is it rational to damn an inanimate object because it breaks? Of course not. But we all do it. If you can learn to recognize these corollary thoughts, you can integrate them into the thoughts you use to replace your irrational demands: "I want Bobasaur to write shorter posts but he didn't. It could have been worse, he could have written twice as much. I am standing it although it's quite unpleasant! Somewhere there's probably something he does that is good so I guess he's not a complete jerk." Summary I've demonstrated that it's our beliefs about events that actually cause emotional disturbance. I've shown how some of our beliefs are completely irrational - we demand that life, other people, and ourselves conform to our beliefs even though there's a 100% guarantee that at least occasionally it won't happen. I've shown examples of replacing these beliefs with rational ones that acknowledge reality as well as our wants. I think I've covered everything I started out to. The key to keeping your emotions to a level where they aren't counterproductive or destructive is by doing this: 1). Acknowledge the truth that the universe has absolutely no obligation to conform to your wants. 2). Acknowledge the truth that life, other people, and yourself are 100% guaranteed to not comply with your wants sometimes. 3). When you find yourself in an emotional state, examine your thoughts. Which ones are irrational because they essentially demand that reality be something other than it actually is? They can usually be identified by determining which ones state that something 'should' be a specific way even though it clearly isn't. 4). As you recognize those irrational demands, force yourself to replace those thoughts with thoughts that acknowledge the reality of the situation and that acknowledge your wants. 5). As you find yourself thinking any of the 3 corollary thoughts, force yourself to recognize that they are not true. You can refuse to become emotionally disturbed about things. It can be a lot of work because it requires that we consciously change our way of thinking, but it can be done. As you change the way you think - your beliefs and demands about life, other people and yourself - you'll find that you are able to work toward fulfilling your wants more effectively because you're thinking more clearly. That's a good thing!

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I Think. Therefore I'm Angry!

Summary