Ye Vast Archive of Time Wasting Internet Humor Stuffes Hi there! Below is a collection of the various pieces humor that go around the Internet from mailbox to mailbox. Right now this is just a big 'ol text file; if I have time at some indefinite point in the future, I may redo it in HTML. But don't hold your breath... If you know the origins of any of these pieces, please let me know so I can remove/properly credit/link the original source/etc. _________________________ Jean-Paul Sartre's Cooking Diary October 3 Spoke with Camus today about my cookbook. Though he has never actually eaten, he gave me much encouragement. I rushed home immediately to begin work. How excited I am! I have begun my formula for a Denver omelet. October 4 Still working on the omelet. There have been stumbling blocks. I keep creating omelets one after another, like soldiers marching into the sea, but each one seems empty, hollow, like stone. I want to create an omelet that expresses the meaninglessness of existence, and instead they taste like cheese. I look at them on the plate, but they do not look back. Tried eating them with the lights off. It did not help. Malraux suggested paprika. October 6 I have realized that the traditional omelet form (eggs and cheese) is bourgeois. Today I tried making one out of cigarette, some coffee, and four tiny stones. I fed it to Malraux, who puked. I am encouraged, but my journey is still long. October 10 I find myself trying ever more radical interpretations of traditional dishes, in an effort to somehow express the void I feel so acutely. Today I tried this recipe: Tuna Casserole Ingredients: 1 large casserole dish Place the casserole dish in a cold oven. Place a chair facing the oven and sit in it forever. Think about how hungry you are. When night falls, do not turn on the light. While a void is expressed in this recipe, I am struck by its inapplicability to the bourgeois lifestyle. How can the eater recognize that the food denied him is a tuna casserole and not some other dish? I am becoming more and more frustrated. October 25 I have been forced to abandon the project of producing an entire cookbook. Rather, I now seek a single recipe which will, by itself, embody the plight of man in a world ruled by an unfeeling God, as well as providing the eater with at least one ingredient from each of the four basic food groups. To this end, I purchased six hundred pounds of foodstuffs from the corner grocery and locked myself in the kitchen, refusing to admit anyone. After several weeks of work, I produced a recipe calling for two eggs, half a cup of flour, four tons of beef, and a leek. While this is a start, I am afraid I still have much work ahead. November 15 Today I made a Black Forest cake out of five pounds of cherries and a live beaver, challenging the very definition of the word cake. I was very pleased. Malraux said he admired it greatly, but could not stay for dessert. Still, I feel that this may be my most profound achievement yet, and have resolved to enter it in the Betty Crocker Bake-Off. November 30 Today was the day of the Bake-Off. Alas, things did not go as I had hoped. During the judging, the beaver became agitated and bit Betty Crocker on the wrist. The beaver's powerful jaws are capable of felling blue spruce in less than ten minutes and proved, needless to say, more than a match for the tender limbs of America's favorite homemaker. I only got third place. Moreover, I am now the subject of a rather nasty lawsuit. December 1 I have been gaining twenty-five pounds a week for two months, and I am now experiencing light tides. It is stupid to be so fat. My pain and ultimate solitude are still as authentic as they were when I was thin, but seem to impress girls far less. From now on, I will live on cigarettes and black coffee. _________________________ McDonnell Douglas Warranty Registration Card Someone was asked by McDonnell Douglas to remove this from his humor web page. Seems like a good reason to see that it spreads far and wide. Enjoy. AIRCRAFT-SPACE SYSTEMS-MISSILES Important! Important! Please fill out and mail this card within 10 days of purchase Thank you for purchasing a McDonnell Douglas military aircraft. In order to protect your new investment, please take a few moments to fill out the warranty registration card below. Answering the survey questions is not required, but the information will help us to develop new products that best meet your needs and desires. 1. _Mr. _Mrs. _Ms. _Miss _Lt. _Gen. _Comrade _Classified _Other First Name____________________Initial____Last Name_________________________ Latitude________________________Longitude__________________________________ Altitude________________________Password, Code Name, Etc.__________________ 2. Which model aircraft did you purchase? _F-14 Tomcat _F-15 Eagle _F-16 Falcon _F-19A Stealth _Classified 3. Date of purchase: Month___________Day___________Year____________ 4. Serial Number____________________ 5. Please check where this product was purchased: _Received as Gift/Aid Package _Catalog Showroom _Sleazy Arms Broker _Mail Order _Discount Store _Government Surplus _Classified 6. Please check how you became aware of the McDonnell Douglas product you have just purchased: _Heard loud noise, looked up _Store Display _Espionage _Recommended by friend/relative/ally _Political lobbying by Manufacturer _Was attacked by one 7. Please check the three (3) factors which most influenced your decision to purchase this McDonnell Douglas product: _Style/Appearance _Kickback/Bribe _Recommended by salesperson _Speed/Maneuverability _Comfort/Convenience _McDonnell Douglas Reputation _Advanced Weapons Systems _Price/Value _Back-Room Politics _Negative experience opposing one in combat 8. Please check the location(s) where this product will be used: _North America _Central/South America _Aircraft Carrier _Europe _Middle East _Africa _Asia/Far East _Misc. Third-World Countries _Classified 9. Please check the products that you currently own, or intend to purchase in the near future: Product Own Intend to purchase Color TV VCR ICBM Killer Satellite CD Player Air-to-Air Missiles Space Shuttle Home Computer Nuclear Weapon 10. How would you describe yourself or your organization? Check all that apply: _Communist/Socialist _Terrorist _Crazed (Islamic) _Crazed (Other) _Neutral _Democratic _Dictatorship _Corrupt (Latin American) _Corrupt (Other) _Primitive/Tribal 11. How did you pay for your McDonnell Douglas product? _Cash _Suitcases of Cocaine _Oil Revenues _Deficit Spending _Personal Check _Credit Card _Ransom Money _Traveler's Check 12. Occupation You Your Spouse Homemaker Sales/Marketing Revolutionary Clerical Mercenary Tyrant Middle Management Eccentric Billionaire Defense Minister/General Retired Student 13. To help us understand our Customers' lifestyles, please indicate the interests and activities in which you and your spouse enjoy participating on a regular basis: Activity/Interest You Your Spouse Golf Boating/Sailing Sabotage Running/Jogging Propaganda/Disinformation Destabilizing/Overthrow Default on Loans Gardening Crafts Black Market/Smuggling Collectibles/Collections Watching Sports on TV Wines Interrogation/Torture Household Pets Crushing Rebellions Espionage/Reconnaissance Fashion Clothing Border Disputes Mutually Assured Destruction Thanks for taking the time to fill out this questionnaire. Your answers will be used in market studies that will help McDonnell Douglas serve you better in the future -- as well as allowing you to receive mailings and special offers from other companies, governments, extremist groups, and mysterious consortia. Comments or suggestions about our fighter planes? Please write to: McDONNELL DOUGLAS CORPORATION Marketing Department Military Aerospace Division P.O. Box 800 St. Louis, MO 55500 _________________________ College Admissions Essay This is an actual essay written by a college applicant to NYU. The author was accepted and is now attending NYU. 3A. IN ORDER FOR THE ADMISSIONS STAFF OF OUR COLLEGE TO GET TO KNOW YOU, THE APPLICANT, BETTER, WE ASK THAT YOU ANSWER THE FOLLOWING QUESTION: ARE THERE ANY SIGNIFICANT EXPERIENCES YOU HAVE HAD, OR ACCOMPLISHMENTS YOU HAVE REALIZED, THAT HAVE HELPED TO DEFINE YOU AS A PERSON? I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row. I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love and an outlaw in Peru. Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge. I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat .400. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me. I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations with the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me. I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extaordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven. I breed prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis. But I have not yet gone to college The End. _________________________ Technical Documentation: The Final Frontier Forwarded message: Classic Technical Documentation by Gary L. Weller Recognizing the cyclic nature of the cosmos and the continual repetition of identifiable patterns in nature, we should permit ourselves to rely on ancient wisdom. There's no need to re-invent the weasel. MARKETING --------- The unit is capable of being transported anywhere in the world. The unit resists contributing to foreign object damage by fusing its internal components. Maintenance time is reduced because the ease of identifying the main fuel controller in a crowded engine compartment is enhanced by its incandescence. You can do anything you want with it. When the unit is nonoperational, it is virtually vibration free. Periodic explosions help dislodge baked-on grease. Near the end of the projected service life, the unit conveniently detaches itself from the aircraft. ENGINEERING ----------- Due to the laws of nature, the test conditions could not be established. Qualification testing was halted after a brief kinetic episode. A FIRM GRASP OF THE OBVIOUS? ---------------------------- The test unit failed all functional and environmental tests. These findings are completely inconsistent with the proposal. During the cyclic fly-back test, the impact shock exceeded the requirement by 300 percent, the drive clutch failed to reliably disengage, and the dynamic runout of the turbine shaft allowed the turbine blades to rub the gyro; however, barometric pressure remained constant throughout the test. The test unit concluded the endurance test ahead of schedule. Preliminary development testing reveals that the unit develops insufficient torque to perform its required function as described in the proposal. Engineering analysis has determined that the unit could be made to perform within specification requirements by increasing its price. STRATEGIC UNDERSTATEMENT ------------------------ The current estimates indicate that the unit develops only 20 percent of the required power, weighs 200 percent more than originally estimated, and costs nearly 800 percent more than projected. We don't understand it. During the indexing and homing check, the unit failed to perform the required sorts. Information Systems determined that the unit was out of sorts. The test unit experienced a functional hiatus. During high-speed endurance, the test unit discharged several turbine blades, yielded the drive shaft, fractured the housing at the mount points, and wrenched the test cell from its foundation; however, angular momentum was conserved. The FU-3350 is being qualified by similarity to the RU-21 for the salt fog and solvent fog requirements. The FU-3350 and the RU-21 are nearly identical, and the RU-21 has been in fog lots of times. The test unit spontaneously disassembled. During the endurance test, the unit suffered no measurable deformation or wear as a result of its nonfunction. The required post-test inspection of the turbine immediately after the high-speed cycle was delayed by the unexpectedly long spool-down of the unit. The turbine continued to spin until about Central Avenue. The test unit functioned flawlessly during development testing; however, it failed to actuate during the witnessed qualification testing. We believe the customer representative made it self-conscious. The required angular displacement of the auxiliary rotor could not be accurately verified because of the flames. Following the high-load performance test, engineering investigators determined that the fore and aft housings separated somewhere over Yuma County. Although the unit failed early development testing as well as the at-risk qualification testing, engineering believes that if we could just have some more money, it might work next time. Separation of the aft housing from the main unit is not a problem in actual service, since the unit is too heavy anyway. During the continuous cycling test, the unit overheated. During the low-temperature test, the unit constricted to the extent that the pilot shuttle seized. During the endurance test, the unit vibrated severely enough that the strain gages broke free from the housing. These test anomalies could foreshadow problems in the field, but we don't think so. The test unit failed vibration, endurance, low- and high-temperature, high-speed cycling, and high-voltage testing. Prior engineering analysis predicted that the unit would meet all requirements with a comfortable margin. All test equipment was recertified and found to be within calibration requirements. We think someone sneaked in and did something to it. _________________________ Analogies You Probably Won't Find in Great Literature: The following come from various young high school writers ======================================================== He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it. (Joseph Romm, Washington) She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again. (Rich Murphy, Fairfax Station) The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't. (Russell Beland, Springfield) McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty Bag filled with vegetable soup. (Paul Sabourin, Silver Spring) From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and "Jeopardy" comes on at 7 p.m. instead of 7:30. (Roy Ashley, Washington) Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center. (Russell Beland, Springfield) Bob was as perplexed as a hacker who means to access T:flw.quid55328.com\aaakk/ch@ung but gets T:\flw.quidaaakk/ch@ung by mistake (Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills) Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever. Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a movie this guy would be buried in the credits as something like "Second Tall Man." (Russell Beland, Springfield) Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can. (Wayne Goode, Madison, Ala.) They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth (Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.) John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met. (Russell Beland, Springfield) The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play. (Barbara Fetherolf, Alexandria) His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) _________________________ Depriving a Village of its Idiot, Or, Why You Don't Want to be in the Royal Navy, courtesy of Greg Frost. The British Military writes EPRs which are officer fitness reports. The form used for Royal Navy and Marines fitness reports is the S206. The following are actual excerpts taken from people's S206s . . . His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity. I would not breed from this Officer. This Officer is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't-be. When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there. He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire satisfaction. He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle. Technically sound, but socially impossible. This Officer reminds me very much of a gyroscope - always spinning around at a frantic pace, but not really going anywhere. This young lady has delusions of adequacy. When he joined my ship, this Officer was something of a granny; since then he has aged considerably. This Medical Officer has used my ship to carry his genitals from port to port, and my officers to carry him from bar to bar. Since my last report he has reached rock bottom, and has started to dig. She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them. He has the wisdom of youth, and the energy of old age. This Officer should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better. In my opinion, this pilot should not be authorized to fly below 250 feet. This man is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot. The only ship I would recommend this man for is citizenship. Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap. _________________________ World Ideologies explained by reference to cows: FEUDALISM You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk. SOCIALISM You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyon else's cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and eggs as the regulations say you should need. FASCISM You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk. COMMUNISM You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk. CAMBODIAN COMMUNISM You have two cows. The government takes both cows and shoots you. DICTATORSHIP You have two cows. The government takes both cows and drafts you. PURE DEMOCRACY You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk. REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk. BUREAUCRACY You have two cows. At first, the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. Then in takes both cows, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms to account for the missing cows. PURE ANARCHY You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors try to take the cows and kill you. ANARCHO-CAPITALISM You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. SURREALISM You have two giraffes. The government require you to take harmonica lessons. _________________________ If I Were The Evil Overlord This list is Copyright 1996 by Peter Anspach