The Osama bin Laden Suicide Bomber Dating Service

Flowers of Allah! Do you find it hard to meet your Prophet-inspired lifemate? Do all the good Muslim men seem to be overseas fighting the Great Satan? Do you find it difficult to meet the fanatical extremist of your dreams?

Then look no further! The Osama bin Laden Suicide Bomber Dating Service is for you!

Our web pages contain hundreds of men inspired by the divine teachings of the Prophet Mohammed! Each and every one of them is looking for a shy, submissive, traditional Islamic girl to marry before blowing themselves up for the glory of Allah, praised be his name! Love, devotion, and great survivor benefits from wealthy sheiks could be yours! Take a look at some of our sample profiles:

• Ahmed, Box 342: I am looking for that special woman to make my life complete before machine-gunning an Israeli karaoke bar.
  Turn Ons: Long flowing robes that cover every inch of your sinful body, praying to Mecca, plastique.
  Turn Offs: Hairy legs, sympathy for running Jew-dog oppressors, literacy.

• Faisal, Box 716: Infidel! Your female eyes may not behold this accursed piece of western technology! I like rainy days, pets, and the sounds of car bombs exploding in the distance. If one of your male relatives is not reading this to you right now, then may Allah pluck out your sinful eyes! All mail replied to.

• Yousef, Box 162: I long to meet that special someone, someone to make my bride before giving my life for the glory of Allah. I long to walk with you in the moonlight, as long as you remain a respectful three steps behind me with your eyes averted. I long to hold you in a fierce, passionate embrace right before detonating the flask of nitroglycerin below our seats. Must like cats.

• Ramzi, Box 833: Me: 72 year old devout Muslim with an interest in cultivating anthrax.
  You: A 12-14 year old Palestinian girl willing to pray with me, tend my spore farm, and anoint my arthritic joints with a chewed khat and curdled goats-milk poultice thrice daily.
  Our marriage would be divinely blessed! No fatties.

• Walid, Box 271: Wanted: Soft, sensitive soulmate to assist me in blowing up a large American National Monument. Following the destruction of our bodies in a massive fireball of righteous vengeance, I look forward to an eternity of paradise with just you, me and the seventy-two virgins given to all anointed martyrs. Serious inquiries only.

• Mohamed, Box 985: The unclean hands of the Zionist pigs and their American puppet-masters must be severed forever! Only when the cities of the Great Satan have been cleansed by the fire of our swift and terrible vengeance shall I rest! Only when the land of our fathers has been drowned in an ocean of Jewish blood shall the world know peace! Only when the maggot-ridden corpses of every Zionist man, woman, and child lie still in the earth shall our people know justice! If you agree, let's get together for a nice light lunch to discuss an arranged marriage with your relatives.
  

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