Men Are from Corellia, Women Are from Alderaan
story by Helen Potter
art by Kristin Brown
PART 3
"So, how did you get involved in this?" Han and Leia were sitting, barefoot and tailor-fashion, on her undersized couch.
"Well, there I was sitting innocently in a Mos Eisley cantina, when this old man and farmboy got into a brawl. They'd decided they needed a flight to Alderaan and were looking for transportation. Fuzzball set the rest of it up and look what a mess I got into."
"Luke got into a bar fight?" Leia asked incredulously. "I can't see that--oh, wait, yes, I can." She grinned widely, knowing the effect Luke's enthusiasm had on some people.
"Luke got into the fight--Kenobi got him out."
"Sounds familiar." She took a sip of her wine, and Han reflected that she looked relaxed and mellow.
"Tell me about it." Han was also enjoying the opportunity to be himself, instead of having to act the part of a princess. He took a long drink of his wine, draining the glass. Reaching for the bottle, he remembered that alcohol was proscribed for personal use. Her Highness apparently had about as much respect for some stupid regulations as he did. That didn't mean he had to let her get away with it.
Picking up the half-empty bottle, he waved it at her. "Not being good, Princess?" He noticed that his words were becoming slightly slurred. What the...? I've only had two glasses--can't be drunk yet.Leia took the bottle from him, grinning slightly. He then remembered that Leia drank little and sparsely. He was rapidly learning why. The room started to become blurry around the edges.
"The bedroom's that way, hotshot." The princess was sounding increasingly amused at his predicament.
She hauled him to his feet; he felt as if he might be going comatose fairly quickly. Then he opened his mouth and did something that he'd never done before, something that sent his companion into peals of laughter and had the possibility of wreaking havoc on his carefully-built reputation. Han Solo started to giggle like a rabid Kowackian monkey lizard.
The light sliced through his brain like a hot steel knife. Instinctively, he pulled the pillow over his eyes in a vain attempt to block out the world. A vague recollection of last night's activities pushed aside the headache that was taking up most of his consciousness. Aw, hell!The last thing he remembered was Leia helping him to bed. Or carrying was more like it. He seemed to have found that exceptionally funny because he'd laughed so much he'd nearly blacked out from oxygen deprivation. If this is what you go through every time you get drunk, Princess, I'd stay sober, too.His mind protested when he tried to think in long sentences. Swearing incoherently, he staggered into the 'fresher to search for painkillers.
The caffeine hadn't helped; it had only served to make him feel more alert and ill, where before he'd only felt ill. Checking his chrono, he realized that he was supposed to have been in the office thirty minutes earlier. Grabbing a piece of bread and a file he'd somehow appropriated, he ran out the door, wondering if there was anything immortal that actually liked him anymore.
Dr. Badial was now the proud sufferer of a class one headache. In order to relieve his stress, he had decided to take the morning off and enjoy one of his obsessions--an old holoseries about humans interacting with humanoid aliens with various headbumps. To his horror, the plotline involved a body swap. Turning off the viewer in disgust, he flicked through an old book he'd found in a vault under the current med-center. That, too, was about body swaps, although this time in a purely religious context. Somebody up there had a sick sense of humor. Either that or they were trying to give him the biggest hint of his life. Suddenly inspired, he reached the chapter on the miraculous reversal by the all-powerful deity. Skimming through the long, involved text, he found the reference he'd been searching for.
"In order to effect a reversal, certain individuals have been granted supernatural powers which enhance the divine reality flowing from the almighty deity..."
Whoever wrote this obviously decided that two words would not do when he could bore the reader with ten.
"To reunite body and soul, it is necessary to consult a being skilled in the knowledge of the Universally Transcendent Energy Field which Creates and Maintains the Souls of All Who Exist."
The aged pages went on to give further details about procedure, but the doctor's brain had somehow lost the plot by the end of the first sentence.
"I defy this day to get any worse," Han grumbled to himself, scattering various enlisted ranks as he walked. Not only had he been late, but he'd also had to sit through a budget meeting, fob off an ambassador he'd never met, and try to talk a well-meaning old windbag out of marrying him off to his son. Just a typical fine day.He took a sharp turn into the officers' lounge, causing a rather flustered lieutenant to sidestep him suddenly. Checking to make sure he was alone, he allowed himself an unregal sprawl onto the nearest couch. It felt good to stretch his legs; obviously he retained some sort of memory that his legs were supposed to be a good eight inches longer. Closing his eyes, he decided to just forget that this whole mess existed.
"Hi."
Han literally jumped into the air. Kest, kid, do ya have to be so damn quiet?
Luke immediately looked apologetic, going red in the face. "Sorry if I startled you. I just wanted to see if you were okay," the Jedi said.
Han couldn't resist letting him have it. "I'd be a hell of a lot better if you didn't try to give me heart failure," he snapped. Luke's over-solicitousness was the latest in a long line of problems. Seeing his downcast look, Han softened his tone. "But hey, my reflexes needed the wake-up call."
Luke smiled appreciatively, and Han remembered just why he'd been avoiding his friend. Luke sat on the edge of the couch, obviously wanting to get closer to the princess, but unsure after the last fiasco.
"I was wondering why you'd been avoiding me lately. I mean, you don't talk to me. Every time I get near you, you leave the room, and you ignore me the rest of the time." He'd obviously decided to bite the bullet and get it all out.
Don't hold back, will you?Han thought. In fact, the only effect the accusations had on him was to rile him. He barely kept his temper in check. "Listen, Luke, I don't think you understand..."
"How can I understand when you spend all your time with Han?"
Whew, someone's jealous!Han, however, was not in the mood to placate Luke. He'd already had to be civil with too many people he didn't care for.
"And how can I explain anything to you if you keep jumping in needlessly? And why should I explain myself to you? I am allowed to run my own life, you know!"
Apparently, that was not the response Luke was expecting. Looking childish and foolish, he lapsed into a sulky silence. Eventually, he decided to try and make it up to her. Moving closer, he put his arm around her shoulders in a warm hug. Han tensed, then as Luke moved his other arm around him, Han stood up and put the back of the couch between them. He could see Luke's disappointment, and decided that, Rieekan or no Rieekan, this was getting sorted right now.
"No way, I can't take this any more! This has been messing with my head for the past four days! It has nothing to do with you, for once, and everything to do with a huge mess I've somehow landed in." As he paused to draw breath, he noticed that the Jedi's eyes were starting to glaze over. About to start again, he was saved by the door signal.
"Sorry, am I interrupting?" Han had never fully appreciated how annoying his voice could be. Leia was definitely enjoying herself too much. Time to even the score.
"Leia, I can't take this anymore. You explain to the kid what happened, 'cause he sure as hell doesn't have a clue."
Leia? Luke felt he was missing a large piece of the plot. He was even more surprised when Han didn't object to being called the wrong name. Instead he sat on a chair opposite him, looking thoughtful.
"Well, you see, when we crashed--"
"Made an emergency landing," Han interjected.
"Crashed, we scouted for water and got stuck in that dust storm, as you know. But, we kinda...swapped bodies along with it."
Luke's mouth was now fully agape, probably because it had just hit him that he'd been sweet-talking another man all week.
"But wha...? How? When...?"
"Welcome to my world, kid."
Han looked much more relaxed since he no longer was in danger of having to fend off his friend's advances. Leia decided that now was a good time for some more news. "Hopefully this will all be fixed soon. I got a call from the doctor--he says they may have something." She had seen many things in her life, but somehow they had never quite prepared her for the sight of her body doing a Corellian victory dance around the officer's lounge. Unable to help herself, she burst out laughing.
Still smiling, she extended her hand toward the door. "Come on, hotshot--the waiting's over."
As the small group travelled through the corridors, Luke's curiosity gradually abated. He still couldn't disguise some of his embarrassment, though.
"You mean when I thought it was Leia, it really was Han?" His face displayed an uncharacteristic degree of horror.
"The one and only, kid." Leia's body leaned closer in a confidential gesture. "Y'know, if you ever need a few pointers on how to sweet-talk a lady..." Luke shoved him, turning an even brighter shade of red.
The mention of the incident brought back to Han his abandonment on the Falcon.That little episode practically cried out for revenge. Inspiration struck him, causing a wide grin to spread over his features.
"What now?" Leia inquired suspiciously.
"Nothin'. I've just gotta go run a last-minute errand, that's all." The princess looked less than convinced of his intentions. "I'll meet you at the med-center in a couple of minutes." He turned and headed for the hangar bay.
A few minutes later, a seductive smile on his face, he finished the task he had set out to do.
"Don't forget," he said to the young pilot, "I'm in the med-center tonight, so I can't really get to know you until tomorrow." The look of adoration he received from the young man told him that his plan would be extremely successful.
The sterile room held an array of impressive machinery, all highly polished and sophisticated. In the center of the space, two beds stood shadowed by a large electrical tube. Badial opened the door, still radiating excitement because his discovery and the chance for some peace at last.
"So, once I had deduced that the reversal required a Jedi--or someone with the skills of a Jedi," he nodded at Luke, "the equipment and procedure became quite obvious."
Luke still seemed a bit shell-shocked from the conversation earlier, but was doing an admirable job of pretending to understand the entire scenario, including the doctor's plans.
"So when the energy level becomes high enough, I just need to guide them back to the correct place?"
"It would appear so. If you would position yourselves?"
Han couldn't leave it at that. "One last question--will it hurt?"
Badial merely smiled serenely and entered the control chamber on the other side of the room.
"Charming."
Luke sat between the beds, falling into the meditative state Ben had taught him.
"Good luck, you guys--see you on the other side." Han positioned himself on one bed, gazing nervously at the sparking equipment above. Leia reached over and tucked a strand of hair into the braid it had escaped from.
"If I'm coming back," she smiled, "I expect it to be as neat as when I left it." Han smiled back, a spontaneous, charming smile that spoke volumes about the understanding of her he'd gained from the experience. Suddenly, he reached out and took her hand, and a tingle shot up her arm. Leia attributed it to an adrenaline rush, but Han abruptly complained that the blood supply to his arm had been cut off.
Badial's voice came over the intercom, starting the countdown. Leia gripped Han's hand tighter, praying desperately that this procedure would work. Suddenly a flash of light enveloped them. Leia felt herself being grabbed none too gently and shoved in a new direction. Through some corner of her mind, she saw Han undergoing the same rough treatment. Without warning, she was sucked into an enclosed space. Panicking, she fought back.
Luke's voice sounded in her mind. Don't worry. You're back home.
As she swam back to consciousness, Leia realized she had a splitting headache. The harsh glare of the ceiling light didn't improve matters. Struggling upright, she noticed that she couldn't feel the end of the bed. Unable to help herself, she let out a whoop, causing ripples of laughter from the two men standing at the end of the bed. She observed that Luke seemed to have suffered no ill effects from the process. A groan nearby brought her attention to Han, who looked like she felt--abused. She also felt something else. What the hell did you do to my bra, Solo?
"Geez, kid, couldn't you have been a little gentler?"
"You want to try it next time?" Luke retorted indignantly.
Badial looked pleased. "Hopefully, next timewon't exist."
"Whaddaya mean, 'hopefully'?"
The confidence visibly ebbed out of the doctor's face. "It seems that, given a high enough electrical charge buildup and a catalyst, it would be possible for this to recur."
"But it's not gonna happen, right?"
"I can't answer that, but shall we say it is extremely unlikely?" Almost collapsing with relief, the doctor edged out the door, promising himself a very good celebration.
Han stretched appreciatively, apparently enjoying the ability to cover every inch of the narrow bunk. Rolling onto his side, he noticed something that displeased him greatly. "Hey, Princess, wanna explain these bruises?"
Finally able to relax, Leia had treated herself to a long, hot soak in the shower and decided to put her paperwork aside for an evening. Stretching out on her couch, she sipped a glass of wine and decided that, all in all, Han hadn't really behaved very badly.
He'd been a lot more understanding than she'd imagined, even accepting her slightly insincere regrets over the many "Luke incidents." Well, who would have thought he could be such a--gentleman?
The door chime interrupted her reverie. Gathering her robe about her, she put her drink to one side and went to open the door.
Palming the hatch, she was greeted by a large bouquet of flowers. Behind them was a young member of Rogue Squadron with a nervous grin on his face. Suddenly, a second pilot walked up behind him, dressed to kill and carrying a bottle of wine.
Peering around the doorjamb, she realized that practically the whole flight group was beginning to congregate on her doorstep. What the hell? Confusion overtook her--she wasn't sure if she was more embarrassed by her dishabille in front of the pilots or by her own naïve trust in Han Solo. This was obviously his revenge for his own discomfort with Luke's flirtations.
She gave a watery smile to the young men waiting silently and tensely for her to speak, then shut the door in their faces. Pouring herself a large glass of wine, she walked purposefully to the comm unit. Han Solo was going to get the earache of his life.
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PART 1 PART 2