* Growing Pains *
by Marjorie Joyce
see You Do Have Your Moments home page
for applicable legal statements and disclaimers
Like a sapphire on black velvet sparkled the tropical planet of Niobe
through the cockpit window of the Alderaan. New Republic
ambassador Princess Leia Skywalker Organa sat frozen at the
controls to this, her new personal starship, in awe at first sight of
the beauty of this world, then at how much it reminded her of the
namesake of her ship. In her white senatorial gown, worn in
deference to the fond memories the inhabitants of Olean--where she
had just visited--had of her early efforts in the Rebellion, Leia
looked much lither than she had during her days in the Imperial
Senate--thinner, her hair swept up softly on either side and gathered
at the top to cascade down her back.
For perhaps the first time since its destruction, Leia didn't cry at the
thought of her dead homeworld. And she knew just whom she had
to thank for that: scruffy-nerf-herder-turned-New-Republic-general
Han Solo, who was on Niobe along with Chewbacca, her twin
brother and Jedi knight Luke Skywalker, and a small New Republic
contingent as she made the diplomatic rounds in this latest system
to join their alliance.
In a life of so much loss, danger, and general hardship for the
Princess over the past three years, the dashing if not over-confident
Solo was slowly but surely evening the scales of her personal
comfort. Looking up to see his warm, admiring smile at any given
moment; his caring, protective arm casually sliding around her
shoulders; his resonant voice close to her, permeating her skin; his
hazel eyes changing color just for her; his large strong hands
holding her....
'This sure beats fighting,' Leia thought with a wry smile as she
prepared to enter Niobe's thermosphere. And had they ever fought,
since the moment they met. But she had been fighting herself just as
much. His intimate ways seemed second nature to him, as if he had
been brought up in a home full of familial affection, though he never
had a home or family. She, on the other hand, had enjoyed both a
stable home and family growing up, but had virtually no clue about
or experience in being affectionate. The thought of being intimate
with someone made her, well, just plain uncomfortable. But she
couldn't deny how good it felt for someone to be affectionate with
her. For Han to be affectionate with her.
As the Alderaan threaded the clouds of the troposphere, Leia
sighed. 'I have so far to go,' she thought. Disheartened, she
prepared to land.
From the minute Leia was within view of Niobe, Luke had sensed
her. It was approaching dawn and he had just finished his morning
Jedi exercises aboard the Millennium Falcon, where he was bunking
with Han and Chewbacca. Rising from the floor and stretching in
black Jedi tunic and leggings, Luke considered waking Han to join
him in greeting Leia, then thought better of the fight he'd have to
wage to get Han up quite this early. 'Let him sleep,' Luke thought to
himself as he treaded softly on the metal deck toward the Falcon's
ramp. 'He'll be in a better mood later for it.'
The growing lavender light of morning shone behind the Princess as
she walked down the short ramp of her ship, silhouetting her as a
light wind stirred her hair and she scanned the landing area. The
moist tropical air warmed her skin, and she breathed in the exotic
scents of the jungle just beyond.
Well. No sign of Han. "Where is this relationship going anyway?"
Leia asked no one with a frown. But she knew she was being
irrational. 'The sun has barely risen. Give him a break, Organa,' she
said to herself. It was probably just as well he wasn't there, she
added. He was bound to be mad that she'd gone to Olean without
him, or without anyone for that matter, and she didn't have the
energy for a fight at the moment.
From the shadows of the trees surrounding the landing area, Luke
stepped toward her ship, which was still humming in shutdown
mode. At the sight of her his heart skipped, and for a split-nanosecond he was 19 again. But just as quickly as the feeling came
it went. He understood now why he had always had such strong
feelings for her--he was her twin brother--and he was proud to have
such a beautiful twin sister.
"Welcome back, sis," Luke said with a smile as he extended a hand
to help her the rest of the way down the ramp.
"Hey, little brother," Leia smiled wanly in return. The twins laughed
at their ongoing joke about who was born first. "I'm so glad you're
here."
"What is it, Leia? You seem...discouraged. Wasn't your visit
successful?"
"No, it was fine," Leia assured him. Damn it. Having a Force-sensitive twin didn't allow for much privacy. But she wouldn't have
it any other way. She loved Luke, and now that she knew they were
brother and sister, she felt free to be completely open and honest
with him.
"I'm just thinking about how much I have to learn about
relationships," Leia continued, letting go of Luke's arm, sitting
down at the bottom of the ramp, and dropping her chin onto her
fists. Luke sat down next to her.
"You mean your relationship with Han," he specified. Leia nodded.
"I don't understand--you guys are doing great from what I see," he
said.
"I guess so," Leia answered with a sigh. "It's just that he's so much
better at being affectionate. I mean, it's so much more natural to
him."
"Leia, he's got ten years' experience on you. Give yourself a
break," Luke said. "Besides, he's made his living by using emotion--his and others--to his advantage. You grew up in a world of theory
and logic. Any way you look at it, he's got a head start on you."
Luke paused to catch her eyes. "Don't worry--you'll even it up.
Half the fun will be in getting there, you know," he continued with a
wink.
Leia laughed. "And how do you know, O Single One?"
"Mmm...it's a hunch," Luke answered with a knowing look.
"Yeah, I know about those," said Leia, playfully pushing Luke
away. "The Force: advisor to the lovelorn."
"That's right--you've got those hunches, too," Luke said as he
stood up and hitched his thumbs on his lightsaber belt. "You've got
to start cultivating them." There was a pause as Luke looked beyond
the trees. "I'm gonna go wake Han. A dose of him will chase these
worries away. Besides, he's missed you big-time...though he's a
little worked up about your going to Olean alone."
"I figured," Leia said sheepishly as she picked herself up off the
ramp. "I was only gone for a couple days!" she yelled, arms spread,
as Luke disappeared into the jungle.
"Where is this relationship going anyway?" Han asked no one as he
watched Luke and Leia talking on the Alderaan's ramp. He'd been
awakened by the sound of the Falcon's ramp opening and closing
that morning, then saw the debris outside kicked up by a ship
landing. Figuring it was Leia, he made a quick stop in the 'fresher,
pulled on his de rigueur spacer shirt, vest, and boots (sure he was a
general, but this was his preferred uniform), and headed for the
landing area. He stopped short when he saw Luke and Leia
together.
Han had been craving Leia's magnetizing brown eyes; the feel of her
soft, luxuriously long brown hair against his face; the compelling
touch of those small, strong hands; the warmth of her soft, petite
mouth on his. But sweet anticipation turned sour at the sight of her
smiling and laughing with Luke.
'After three days away, she'd rather sit and talk with big brother
than come see me,' Han sulked behind a tree. 'This is getting so
old.' Could he possibly still be jealous of Luke? No. He knew he
was being irrational. Luke was her brother, after all! Still, that
brother seemed to always come first in her life. 'And who does she
think she is going to Olean by herself?!'
Han hadn't just missed Leia; he'd been worried sick about her. Very
rarely in the last three years had they been separated--except for his
stint in carbonite, of course--and he had no plans of changing that
routine. At last he'd found something--someone--he cared about
more than money, the Falcon, or even himself. Why didn't she act
the same way?
"Aah, who needs this? I'm goin' back to bed," he said, too tired to
think any harder or longer at the moment and dismissing Leia and
Luke both with a wave of his hand as he turned back toward the
Falcon.
Just then he saw Luke stand up, then walk away.
"I was only gone for a couple days!" Han heard Leia yell.
'What? They're having a spat over how long she's been gone?!'
Han asked himself incredulously as he rushed forward and was
smacked in the face with a rather large tree leaf. He grimaced and
whapped the frond aside. 'That's our fight!'
As Luke disappeared into the jungle, Han stomped out of it toward
the Alderaan.
Leia had gone back into the ship to get her personal effects. As Han
approached the ramp, she started back down with a metal attache
and a flight bag.
The vision of the Princess in her gown outlined by the morning sky,
her hair floating around her in the early breeze, stopped him in his
tracks.
'She still does it to you, Solo,' he said to himself as he stood
silently at the foot of the ramp, his frustration melting into desire.
Amassing energy to have the inevitable "discussion" about her trip
with Han, and trying to figure out how he could miss her so badly
after only three days, Leia was in a world of her own. Looking up
absently as she started down the ramp, Leia stifled a scream and
tripped at Han's sudden appearance. As she grabbed one of
the ramp's telescoping scaffolds for support, her bag fell to the
ground and the attache clacked down the ramp to stop at Han's feet.
"Kreth, Leia," Han said, jumping over the attache and rushing up
the ramp to help stop her from falling, his sure hands catching her
upper arm and wrist. "I didn't know I had such an affect on you,"
he said with a lopsided grin as his eyes locked with hers. "Next time
you swoon at my sight, just make sure you're closer to me."
"Stars, Han, you scared me," Leia said, rolling her eyes, shaken
and annoyed as she stood back up with Han's help.
"Sorry," Han edged as he gently released her, his eyes swirling
gold-brown to gray. "Are you really that frightened to see me?"
"Of course not," Leia retorted, pushing past him down the ramp. "I
just didn't expect you at this early hour."
"But you expected Luke?!" Han lost it. "Sure, you'll sit down and
have a leisurely pre-dawn chat with him, but I show my face and
you jump out of your skin!" Mid-step, Leia stopped and glowered at
what she knew was coming next. "And what's with your going
alone to Olean, anyway?" Han continued his harangue. "Didja ever
think something could go wrong there? You have a way of running
into problems, you know."
"My problem is you, Han Solo," Leia whirled, having absorbed the
energy from his anger to mount her own attack. "I got the OK from
High Command. I don't need an OK from you. And what do you
think I have a personal starship for, anyway?"
"Don't worry--you've made it clear that the New Republic means
more to you than I do," Han said, "just like the Rebellion did. But
you know what really hurts?" he continued as he pointed a finger
down into her face. "That even Luke means more to you."
"That's ridiculous," Leia answered, her brown eyes now nearly
black with anger. "And stop shoving your finger in my face!" she
said as she slapped his hand away.
"Look, Your Worship," Han began, grabbing Leia's shoulders. But
Leia's Skywalker temper had been ignited, and as she tried to
wrench herself away from him, she lost her balance and fell
backwards, landing hands-down at the foot of the ramp.
"Gods, Leia, I'm sorry! Are you allright?" Han cried as he ran to
her, placing his hands on her shoulders and furrowing his brow in
dismay.
"Don't touch me!" she shouted, lifting her arms to push his hands
off and trembling as she picked herself up.
"Just...don't...touch me," she repeated, twisting and trying to see
through the tears welling in her eyes where she'd been hurt. A cut
on her ankle, a bruise-in-waiting on her thigh, brush burns on her
hands. Her dress...her senatorial dress...was torn. She'd replaced
it once before, after the Death Star. With tears streaming down her
face, she looked up to see Han realizing the same thing she had.
Han swallowed hard. "I'm so sorry," he said, his eyes stone gray.
"I'm sorry, too," Leia said, backing away from him as the
Skywalker rage began to course through her veins. Her heel running
into the attache, she found an outlet for her anger. In the next
moment she reached down, grabbed the case by the handle, and
flung it at Han. With pilot reflexes he caught it just as it hit him in
the stomach, and stared at her with stunned eyes.
"Stay away from me!" Leia screamed. Sobbing, she turned and ran
into the jungle as Han stood frozen to the ground.
The waning Niobe sunlight spilled between the fronds of the ramada
set up by the New Republic contingent earlier that afternoon.
Alliance High Command representative General Jan Dodonna had
called a meeting to discuss their remaining activities in the Avoca
system, and all were on hand--all except Princess Leia Skywalker
Organa, that is.
"Niobe's going to need three of our reps to install that new
communications antenna. Any volunteers?" the white-haired
Dodonna asked, standing in a Rebel-issue uniform and duster before
the group. As he took names, he also took notice that the Princess
had slipped in to his left. Even with her wide-leg white gauze pants,
topped by a white gauze wrap top, he could tell she was limping.
Bowing her coronet of braids laced with white, she took a seat
directly in front of him and as far as possible from Han, who was
sitting with Luke and Chewbacca in the back row.
"I apologize for being late, General Dodonna," Leia said softly.
"What's my assignment?"
Luke felt Leia's discomfort, just as he had felt her turmoil after he
left the landing area that morning. When Han shifted in his seat
upon her arrival, Luke confirmed the cause of Leia's unrest.
Silently, he flicked his soft blue gaze between the two.
"I was just coming to that, Princess Leia," Dodonna began, "but
first..." he moved forward with the help of his cane and lowered his
voice, "My dear, I notice you're limping. Were you injured on
Olean?"
Leia rocked forward and drew a breath, wishing she could
disappear. Everyone exchanged glances except in the back row:
Luke and Chewbacca looked at each other then at Han, and Han
stared straight ahead.
"No, sir, I'm fine," Leia said tightly as she gripped the bench
beneath her. "Just a little accident. Where do I go next?" she asked,
hoping to erase his question from everyone's memories.
Dodonna cleared his throat. "Well, Princess," he began in a louder
tone, "Massena's next on the list. Shall we assign you a pilot,
perhaps a few escorts this time?" he asked, peering under his brow
at her and fighting back a smile as to who the candidates might be.
"Not necessary, sir," Leia answered a little too quickly. "I've got the
Alderaan. I'd like to continue as is."
Surprised, Dodonna stood silent for a moment.
"Well, I don't like," General Solo drawled loudly, standing up.
Everyone turned toward the back of the room to watch the
swaggering Corellian and settle in for another installment of their
very own pirate-and-princess saga.
"Her Royalness won't enjoy the same peaceful adulation on
Massena that she did on Olean," Han explained. "Some contacts I
made today on Massena confirmed that."
Leia refused to acknowledge Solo, or her thrill at hearing that he had
done research on her behalf. Instead she kept her gaze steady on Dodonna.
"I agree with the general, Princess," Dodonna said, feigning a
regretful look for Leia. "I'm afraid I must insist on an escort for you
this time."
With a sigh, head bowed, the Princess nodded.
"I volunteer," Luke and Han said in unison. Everyone else but Leia
broke into a wide smile.
In the cockpit of the Millennium Falcon the next morning on the way
to Massena, Chewbacca looked at Han. Han looked at Luke. Luke
looked at Leia. And Leia looked...pissed.
"Why don't you guys just say it?" she broke the silence.
"Say what?" Luke asked after a moment.
"You won," Leia said, exasperated.
"We won," Han said with a self-satisfied smile as he turned to look
at the Princess. Leia looked away in disgust. Chewbacca glared at
Han. Luke just shook his head.
"It's not about winning, Leia," Luke said. "It's about your safety."
"Forget it, kid," Han said, giving in to his frustration. "Her
Worship here can't handle anything that has to do with people caring
about people. Everything's a battle. Everything's black and white.
Someone's gotta win, and someone's gotta lose. Oh, and did I
mention she can't handle losing, either?"
The cockpit fell silent while Han suddenly felt three pairs of eyes
boring holes into his head. A sheepish look began to creep across
his face.
"You really are a jerk, you know that, Captain?" Leia said, standing
up and making a quick exit.
*That didn't help you, you idiot,* Chewbacca grumbled.
"Yeah? The truth hurts, don't it?" Han shot back then slammed the
control panel in front of him.
Luke took a deep breath. "Han, what happened between you two?
And how were you involved with her accident?"
Chewbacca turned wide eyes on Han. *You were responsible?* he
keened.
"Lemme explain that," Han said, turning to Luke and spreading a
hand. Kreth. Having a Force-sensitive friend didn't allow for much
privacy. But Han wanted to come clean on this; it had been eating
him up inside since it happened.
"I startled Leia when I went to see her the morning she got back
from Olean," Han began. "I wasn't thrilled at the idea that I scared
her, and I let her know. Things got heated, she slapped me, I
grabbed her, she moved away and fell down the Alderaan's ramp."
There was a long silence. Luke was putting the pieces together. He
had sensed Han's presence at the landing area that morning and had
left to give Leia and Han time alone. After that, and for the rest of
the day, Leia had made herself scarce. It all made sense now.
"Look, Han..." Luke began, giving Chewbacca a "can-I-be-alone-with-him-for-a-minute?" look. Silently, the wookiee got up and
walked out of the cockpit. He'd hear it all from Han later, but
everyone deserved some privacy while they were getting dressed
down, he figured.
"Leia expressed her concern to me that morning about affection--giving and receiving it," Luke continued. "She's not comfortable
with either. Your lives have been so different. Frankly, she feels
inadequate. She was pretty depressed about it."
There was a pause as shock then regret passed over Han's face.
"Well, she was pretty angry when I saw her," Han said in
monotone.
"Doesn't surprise me," Luke said after a moment. "Anger is a
common outlet for depression. Especially when someone pushes the
right buttons, which you have a...talent for, especially with her.
Come on--your speech a minute ago was a classic example."
There was another long silence. Han could hear what Chewie's
chortling reaction would be: *The truth hurts, doesn't it?* 'Laugh it
up, fuzzball,' Han thought to himself.
"I know, kid," Han said, now more frustrated with himself than
with Leia. "It's just...I love her so much...sometimes she drives me
crazy."
"No one said it was easy," Luke offered.
"And how do you know, O Single One?" Han asked with a smirk.
Luke laughed a little harder than Han thought he should. "It's a
hunch," Luke said with a smile.
Han rolled his eyes. "Make him a Jedi knight and he thinks he's
advisor to the lovelorn."
Luke laughed even harder. "You've got to go see Leia," he said.
"You guys are definitely on the same wavelength. Trust me."
"The kid says 'Trust me,'" Han scoffed as he got out of the
captain's chair and turned out of the cockpit. "So why don't I have a
bad feeling about this?"
In the dimmed portside cargo hold, Leia sat at the lounge with her
electronic reader getting last-minute information for the upcoming
visit to Massena. She had changed into her white Rebellion dress
uniform. If Han was right about Massena's "disenchanted," it was a
good idea to wear something a little bit more "structured" to
reinforce the fact that the New Republic meant business in restoring
order with freedom to the galaxy.
Trying to look as casual as possible, Han leaned against the hold's
forward ring portal and crossed his arms high on his chest.
"Hi, beautiful," he said.
After a perfectly timed pause, Leia looked up from her reader with
an arched eyebrow and asked, "What's that supposed to mean?"
Han dropped his arms and began walking toward her, their eyes
locked as he approached. "It means you're beautiful." He stopped to
stand in front of her. "And I'm sorry."
There was a long silence as they continued to hold each other's
eyes. Leia had always enjoyed being able to throw her diplomatic
training to the wind when it came to dealing with Han; he had been,
after all, an unofficial member of the Rebellion, and oftentimes the
only person she could allow her daily fear and frustration to enter in
to her interaction with, safe from affecting general morale. (Sure,
Han's morale was affected in the process sometimes, but he had
self-confidence to spare, she'd always reasoned.) Things were
different now between them, though...different for the better,
definitely. Leia had a hunch it would be fruitless to escalate this
particular "conversation" with him. 'I have to learn to recognize
those hunches, and use them,' she thought to herself, hearing
Luke's words at the Alderaan's ramp. Locking down her initial
reaction to fight fire with fire, she drew a breath.
"You may be seated," she said with a small smile, lowering her
reader.
Han crossed his arms with a pained expression. "Look, Your
Worship..." he began.
"Please," she added quickly.
Han dropped his arms down and at next to her. "Thanks," he said
wryly, leaving a handbreadth between them as he leaned his elbows
on the table.
"About the dress..." Han began.
"I'll get another one made," Leia jumped in. "Please don't worry
about it. It was my fault," she continued, holding up a hand in
testimony. Han noticed the nasty brush burn on her palm, and
inspiration struck.
Han furrowed his brow. "Looks like that hurts," he said, reaching
for her hand.
"Stop that," Leia said, playing along.
"Stop what?" Han said. "Your hands aren't dirty."
"No," she said, pulling her hand away from him with a small, sweet
smile, "but you do make me tremble. Why else would a girl need to
grab a scaffold when the guy she loves surprises her?"
A warmth spread through Han's heart and he smiled in spite of
himself...then an uncertainty tickled the back of his mind. 'Did she
just use a Jedi mind trick?' he wondered. Hell, if she did, it sure felt
good.
"Your fall, sweetheart--it wasn't your fault," Han said. "I shouldn't
have grabbed you like that."
"Let's just call it an accident and leave it at that," Leia replied, laying
a hand on his. Han nodded in agreement.
"You know, I coulda piloted you to Olean," Han said softly after a
moment.
"Is that what this is all about?" Leia asked incredulously. "You can't
be my personal pilot, flyboy."
"Why not?" Han shot back. "I practically was during the Rebellion."
"Yeah, yeah--or so you liked to complain," Leia said. "You're a
general now, Han--an official team player. There are better uses of
your skills."
"I can't think of a better use of 'em than looking out for you," Han
argued.
Leia was speechless and shamed--speechless at the depth of his
feeling for her, and shamed that she was neither as in touch with her
own feelings nor able to express them as easily or eloquently as he
was.
She shook her head slowly. "Han Solo, I'm incapable of making
you feel as good as you make me feel."
Han knew where this came from, thanks to Luke.
"Sure you can, sweetheart," Han reassured her. "And you do.
Look, you've been an overachiever all your life...."
"Pardon me," Leia said wide-eyed, "what happened to just using
your Force-given abilities?"
"You're right. Bad choice of words," Han acceded. "My point is--don't put pressure on yourself to exceed in loving me. Just love me.
Believe me, that's all I want or need--except your letting me love
you, too, of course."
Leia considered. "OK. And you," she said, pointing a finger at him,
"don't be jealous--of the New Republic or of Luke. I have to strike a
balance, I know, but give me credit that I'm working on it, allright?"
"I'll try," Han edged. Leia mock-glared at him. "Promise," he added
with a lopsided smile. Leia smiled back.
"Now," Han began, reaching for Leia's hand again, "how does the
rest of that routine go?"
"Oh," Leia leaned back and said with a smile, "you say something
about scoundrels...then..." she continued casually as he moved
steadily closer to her, "...I say something about liking nice men."
"Uh huh," Han intonated, their lips centimeters apart now, "then I
say something about being a nice man." Leia played her part
through. "And I say no, you're not, you're..." Then they kissed,
and this time See Threepio wasn't there to stop them.
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