* Star Words: My Hair Is Killing Me *
by Marjorie Joyce as Princess Leia Organa

originally published as a personal column in the 1990 April Fool's edition
of the author's college student-produced newspaper


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A  long time ago in a galaxy far, far away, I had short hair. I liked it that way 'cause my twin brother, Luke, couldn't pull my hair (of course, I didn't know he was my brother let alone my twin until I was in my mid-twenties in "Return of the Jedi," and--really--I don't even remember having a twin brother because we were separated at birth, but--hey--don't confuse me with the facts).

When I became a princess (don't ask me how I did that; the books on that haven't been written yet), I grew my hair long. It was all quite harmless then. Sometimes I'd put it in a ponytail, sometimes in braids, and sometimes in a bun. Every once in a while, I'd even curl it. It was real simple, and it worked for me.

Then this guy, George Lucas, wrote me into this movie "Star Wars" and wanted me to wear these huge earmuffs for a hairdo. When I saw an artist's rendition of the hairdo, I said, "No way." Then I saw the contract and the line of toys they were going to make for the movie and I said, "OK." I looked like a real goof, but I put up with it. And, at the end of the movie, they had me wear my hair up in a coil of braids on top of my head, and that was pretty cool--a neo-beehive kind of look. I figured the cool hairdo would neutralize the goofy one.

I was wrong. Kenner Toys went and made a one-foot-tall doll of me and included this book of hairstyles for me like "Star Swirl" and "Star Burst" and "Lunar Loops" and "Sun Sweep." I looked like a real goof in all those, too.

Worse yet, I got written into an "Empire Strikes Back" sequel and they made me wear a braid around my head like a headband. That, I could handle, and--hey--Han went for me in it. But, then, later in the movie, they made me wear my hair in these big braided loops that stuck out of my head like eggbeaters. Even Han laughed at me in those.

That was the last straw. When they write me into that third movie, "Return of the Jedi," I demanded that I wear hairstyles within reason. So they made me wear a single long braid down my back and the braid headband thing again. Then they made me wear my hair down. I didn't mind that, but I ended up being confused with Chewbacca.

Since that "Star Wars" trilogy stint ended, my hair has been killing me. My advice--avoid being cast in George Lucas movies. And may the Force be with you.

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