You might be saying, "Hey Glitch, what do I need a new identity for?" The answer 
is simple. You might want to go buy liquor somewhere, right? You might want to 
go give the cops the false name when you get busted so you keep your good name, 
eh? You might even want to use the new identity for getting a P.O. Box for 
carding. Sure! You might even want the stuff for renting yourself a VCR at some 
dickless loser of a convenience store. Here we go: 

Getting a new ID 
isn't always easy, no one said it would be. By following these steps, any bozo 
can become a new bozo in a coupla weeks. 

STEP 1 

The first step 
is to find out who exactly you'll become. The most secure way is to use 
someone's ID who doesn't use it themselves. The people who fit that bill the 
best are dead. As an added bonus they don't go complaining one bit. Go to the 
library and look through old death notices. You have to find someone who was 
born about the same time as you were, or better yet, a year or two older so you 
can buy booze, etc. You should go back as far as you can for the death because 
most states now cross index deaths to births so people can't do this in the 
future. The cutoff date in Wisconsin is 1979, folks in this grand state gotta 
look in 1978 or earlier. Anything earier there is cool. Now, this is the hardest 
part if you're younger. Brats that young happen to be quite resilient, takin' 
falls out of three story windows and eating rat poison like its Easter candy, 
and not a scratch or dent. There ain't many that die, so ya gotta look your ass 
off. Go down to the library and look up all the death notices you can, if it's 
on microfilm so much the better. You might have to go through months of death 
notices though, but the results are well worth it. 

You gotta get someone 
who died locally in most instances: the death certificate is filed only in the 
county of death. Now you go down to the county courthouse in the county where he 
died and get the death certificate, this will cost you around $3-$5 depending on 
the state you're in. Look at this hunk of paper, it could be your way to vanish 
in a clould of smoke when the right time comes, like right after that big scam. 
If You're lucky, the slobs parents signed him up with social security when he 
was a snot nosed brat. That'll be another piece of ID you can get. If not, thats 
ok too. It'll be listed on the death certificate if he has one. If you're lucky, 
the stiff was born locally and you can get his birth certificate right away. 


STEP 2 

Now check the place of birth on the death certificate, if 
it's in the same place you standing now you're all set. If not, you can mail 
away for one from that county but its a minor pain and it might take a while to 
get, the librarian at the desk has listings of where to write for this stuff and 
exactly how much it costs. Get the Birth cirtificate, its worth the extra money 
to get it certified because thats the only way some people will accept it for 
ID. When yur gettin this stuff the little forms ask for the reason you want it, 
instead of writing in "Fuck you", try putting in the word "Geneology". 


They get this all the time. If the Death certificate looks good for you, 
wait a day or so before getting the certified birth certificate in case they 
recognize someone wanting it for a dead guy. 

STEP 3 

Now your 
cookin! You got your start and the next part's easy. Crank out your old Dot 
matrix printer and run off some mailing labels addressed to you at some phony 
address. Take the time to check your phony address that there is such a place. 
Hotels that rent by the month or large apartment buildings are good, be sure to 
get the right zip code for the area. These are things that the cops might notice 
that will trip you up. Grab some old junk mail and paste your new lables on 
them. Now take them along with the birth certificate down to the library. 


Get a new library card. If they ask you if you had one before say that 
you really aren't sure because your family moved around alot when you were a 
kid. Most libraries will allow you to use letters as a form of ID when you get 
your card. If they want more give them a sob story about how you were mugged and 
got your wallet stolen with all your identification. Your card should be waiting 
for you in about two weeks. Most libraries ask for two forms of ID, one can be 
your trusty Birth Certificate, and they do allow letters addressed to you as a 
second form. 

STEP 4 

Now you got a start, it isn't perfect yet, 
so let's continue. You should have two forms of ID now. Throw away the old 
letters, or better yet stuff them inside the wallet you intend to use with this 
stuff. Go to the county courthouse and show them what nice ID you got and get a 
state ID card. Now you got a picture ID. This will take about two weeks and cost 
about $5, its well worth it. 

STEP 5 

If the death certificate had 
a social security number on it you can go out and buy one of those metal SS# 
cards that they sell. If it didn't, then you got all kinds of pretty ID that 
shows exactly who you are. If you don't yet have an SS#, Go down and apply for 
one, these are free but they could take five or six weeks to get, Bureaucrats 
you know... You can invent a SS# too if ya like, but the motto of 'THE WALKING 
GLITCH' has always been "Why not excellence?". 

STEP 6 

If you 
want to go whole hog you can now get a bank account in your new name. If you 
plan to do alot of traveling then you can put alot of money in the account and 
then say you lost the account book. After you get the new book you take out all 
the cash. They'll hit you with a slight charge and maybe tie-up your money some, 
but if you're ever broke in some small town that bank book will keep you from 
being thrown in jail as a vagrant. 

ALL DONE? 

So kiddies, you got 
ID for buying booze, but what else? In some towns (the larger the more likely) 
the cops if they catch you for something petty like shoplifting stuff under a 
certain dollar amount, will just give you a ticket, same thing for pissing in 
the street. Thats it! 

No fingerprints or nothing, just pay the fine 
(almost always over $100) or appear in court. Of course they run a radio check 
on your ID, you'll be clean and your alter-ego gets a blot on his record. 


Your free and clear. Thats worth the price of the trouble you've gone 
through right there. If your smart, you'll toss that ID away if this happens, or 
better yet, tear off your picture and give the ID to someone you don't like, 
maybe they'll get busted with it. 

If you're a working stiff, here's a 
way to stretch your dollar. Go to work for as long as it takes to get 
unemployment and then get yourself fired. Go to work under the other name while 
your getting the unemployment. With a couple of sets of ID, you can live like a 
king. These concepts for survival in the new age come to you compliments of THE 
WALKING GLITCH. 
First release of this phile 7/7/88. 

brought to you 
in the Cookbook courtesy of... 
---------------The Jolly Roger 

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