Q. What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A. A nervous wreck.

Q. What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
A. Anyone can roast beef.

Q. Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
A. Because they have big fingers

Q. How are a Texas tornado and a Tennessee divorce the same?
A. Somebody's gonna lose a trailer.

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A college graduate applies for a job as an industrial spy. Together with several other applicants,
he is given a sealed envelope and told to take it to the fourth floor. As soon as the young man is
alone, he steps into an empty hallway and opens the packet. Inside, a message reads:
"You're our kind of person. Report to the fifth floor."
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After a day fishing in the ocean, a fisherman is walking from the
pier, carrying two lobsters in a bucket. He is approached by the Game
Warden, who asks him for his fishing license.

The fisherman says to the warden, "I did not catch these lobsters,
they are my pets. Every day, I come down to the water and whistle,
and these lobsters jump out, and I take them for a walk, only to return
them at the end of the day."

The warden, not believing him, reminds him that it is illegal to fish
without a license. The fisherman turns to the warden and says, "If you
don't believe me, then watch," as he throws the lobsters back into the
water.
The warden says, "Now whistle to your lobsters and show me that they
will come out of the water."

The fisherman turns to the warden and says, "What lobsters?"
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A state game warden, eating lunch at a diner in a small town,
overheard two fisherman talking.
"I just don't know how you do it Bill! I fished the lake all
day yesterday and never got a bite! But you say you got your
limit in only half an hour this morning?"
"That's right, Bob."

Suspecting foul play, the warden geared up for his best "city-
slicker" act and walked over to Bill.

"You know, I've never been fishing before", said the warden, "and
I'd sure appreciate it if you would take me fishing tomorrow."

Bill decided "what the heck?" and said "Okay."

The next morning the warden met Bill at the lake and noticed
that Bill's boat was loaded only with oars, a fishing net, and a
case of dynamite. Not wanting to let on that he knew anything
about fishing, the warden said nothing about the lack of normal
fishing gear. They both got in the boat and Bill rowed them
out to the middle of the lake. Then Bill picked up a stick of
dynamite, lit the fuse, and threw it in the water.

"KA-BOOMPH!" went the dynamite and soon, a handful of fish rose
to the surface which Bill simply netted up and threw in the
bottom of the boat.

Shocked, the warden pulled out his badge, and said "I'm a game
warden, Bill, and you're in a lot of trouble!"

Bill grabbed another stick of dynamite, lit the fuse, handed it
to the warden and said, "Did you come out here to talk, or fish?"
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One of my favorites:

Two hunters hire a small plane to take them to a remote area of Canada.
Upon dropping off the hunters, the pilot tells them, "Remember, only one
moose, because the plane won't be able to take off with more weight
than that." The hunters go off. A week later, when the plane returns to
pick them up, the two hunters are standing by the lake with two moose.

The pilot fumes, "I told you guys only ONE moose; you'll have to leave one
behind because we won't be able to take off with that much weight."
"Oh, c'mon," beg the two hunters, "Last year the pilot let us take two moose
on, you're just a chicken."

Not wanting to be accused of being a coward, the pilot allows the two to
bring both moose on the craft. The plane starts across the lake,
straining to take off. The pilot tries and tries to no avail as
they run out of room and the plane crashes into the trees at the end of the
lake. A while later, after coming to, one of the hunters gets up and looks
at all the scatterd debris of the wreck and says, "Where are we?" To which
the other hunter replies, "Oh, I'd say about a hundred yards farther than
last year."
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A girl who weighed many an oz.
Used language
I dare not pronoz.
When a fellow unkind
Pulled her chair out behind
To see (so he said) if she'd boz.

A dozen, a gross, and a score,
Plus three times the square root of four,
Divided by seven,
Plus five times eleven
Equals nine squared plus zero, no more.

An accident really uncanny
Occurred to my elderly granny
She sat in a chair
While her false teeth lay there
and bit herself right in the fanny!