Extracting Energy from Everything that Stinks or Rots

About Flatulent Technologies: Based in Houston, Texas, Flatulent Technologies is a Fortune 500 energy services corporation which is rapidly growing and expanding into other diverse business interests. The Flatulent Technologies family of companies and its more than 112,000 employees worldwide provide an integrated package of energy-related products and services. Flatulent Technologies common shares trade on the New York Stock Exchange (NYSE) under the ticker symbol "FART." Flatulent Technologies has been in the vanguard among American energy corporations in determining the economies of scale for producing methane gas from a variety of putrid, decomposing vegetative, and organic matter resources. We also exploit the naturally occurring "gaseous emissions" produced through the digestive process of living beings: bovine, porcine, and human alike. Got gas? Well, we would like to capture and bottle yours, and we will pay you cash for it! How would you like to earn five dollars just for sitting eight hours, shoveling down a variety of delicious bean dishes, and breaking wind in one of our specially designed and patented methane recovery chambers (i.e., "Toot Booths")? Did you know that just eating a diet rich in pork and beans can increase your flatus elimina- tion from 15 to 176 ml per hour? Flatulent Technologies operates gas collection centers in all major urban centers in this great country. You can usually find them close to local soup kitchens, welfare and unemployment offices, gambling halls, transient hotels, pawn shops, check cashing services, and purveyors of cheap liquors.

Biogas Generation: Flatulent Technologies has mastered the process of extracting biogas, containing methane gas, from a wide variety of livestock manures using "state of the art" technology. Each cow produces on average 52 pounds of flop per day. A horse produces 36 pounds; a pig, seven and a half pounds, a sheep, three pounds. Livestock manure contains fats, carbohydrates, proteins and other nutrients that promote the growth and reproduction of anaerobic bacteria. Initially the volatile solids in manure are broken down to a series of fatty acids. Then a highly specialized group of bacteria, called methane formers, convert the acids to methane gas and carbon dioxide. Flatulent Technologies has also pioneered the conversion of sewage from publicly owned waste treatment facilities into a valuable energy resource. Thermal hydrolysis is used to pre-treat sewage sludge before digestion. After processing, the sludge is sufficiently hydrolysed for an efficient digestion process which is able to yield a very high methane output. Energy is latent in that odoriferous garbage you throw out of the house every evening, too. As landfill waste decomposes, methane gas is liberated. Flatulent Technologies has built hundreds of generating plants that harnesses the methane and turns it into electricity that powers tens of thousands of homes. In all of these examples, the foul-smelling organic matter yields methane gas (CH4), the "magic elixir" responsible for Flatulent Technologies' stupendous profitability.

Positioned for Growth! During a time of high volatility and crisis in the energy industry, Flatulent Technologies has demonstrated that the source of real power is straightforward accomplishment. From meeting or exceeding its financial goals, to outperforming the major financial and peer company indices, Flatulent Technologies generates impressive results. Based on our fabulously successful past experience, there is clearly no way for Flatulent Technologies share price to go but up, up, and up! The sky is not even the limit. In 2001, Flatulent Technologies' return on investment was a phenomenal 39.9 percent, easily outperforming the Dow Jones Industrial Average, the Standard & Poor's 500 Index, the Standard & Poor's Utilities Index, and even Enron, then our leading competitor. We use "outside-the-box" accounting and financial methods so innovative and deviously complex that Enron and Arthur Andersen executives have expressed deep regrets that they had not dreamed them up. Energy and Commodities Trading: Flatulent Technologies is extremely active buying and selling contracts in the burgeoning commodities markets, such as Chicago's Mercantile Exchange. We very profitably trade in the methane-generating resources on which our business is based: livestock manure, sewage sludge, municipal solid waste, and agricultural food crops -- in particular -- the almighty bean!

Actively Lobbying for Industry Deregulation: Kenneth L. Leigh Flatulent Technologies CEO Flatulent Technologies paid out 224 million dollars in political contributions in state and national electoral races in the years 2000 and 2001 combined. Despite the high price, it yielded big payoffs. Congress and our president have come through like a charm, passing sweeping legislation which lifts the burden of onerous government regulation from on top of our vital and rapidly growing industry. Dollar for dollar, political campaign giving has the highest return of any of our investments! In Summation: Where you smell something foul of odor and wince; we smell opportunity and get to work, and reap spectacular profits from it to boot! Bean Dish Recipe of the Month Egyptian Fava Bean Soup Serves 6 1-1/2 lbs. Dried fava beans, 4 qts. water, 3 cloves garlic, 2 tablespoons olive oil, 1/4 cup lemon juice, 1 tbsp. salt, 1/2 tsp. ground pepper. 4 Hard-boiled eggs and 2 tbsps. parsley leaves for garnish. Pre-heat oven to 300 degrees F. Place fava beans in heavy ovenproof Dutch oven, and cover w/cold water. Bring to boil on top of stove, then cover and place in oven. Bake 3 - 4 hours until beans are soft but still mostly whole. Remove from oven. Stir in garlic, olive oil, lemon juice, salt, and pepper. If after consuming this tasty dish, you detect the scent of a rich, overmastering fog welling up around you, please stop by one of our many gas collection centers. Discharge your aromatic and combustible fumes in one of our comfortable methane recovery chambers.

This Flatulent Technologies web site is intended to be perused by those age 18 and older. All content is fictional and parody and should not in any way be construed as fact. Please read our disclaimer. Thanks to the following websites which provide links to the Flatulent Technologies corporate website: Global Province, Business Daily Review, Democratic Underground, Liberal Soundbag, Peter Werbe of Radio WRIF, The Hamster, Democrats.com, Museum of Hoaxes (Business/Finance category) , and TvNewsLies.org. All contents Copyright © 2002-2003, TechDesignHawaii. All rights reserved. Privacy Policy "Illuminated Site of the Week Winner -- January 8, 2004"