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Why Flatulent Technologies Is Such a Superb Investment Wall Street analysts heap praise on everything from our ambitious earnings strategy to the quality and depth of our management team. Flatulent Technologies also cultivates tight connections with the "movers and shakers" in state capitols and Washing- ton, D.C. Many millions of dollars in political campaign contributions and personal gratuities help lubricate the engine of government to make sure it works to our advantage. Fortune magazine asserts that Flatulent Technologies' executives have better access to top decision makers in Washington than any other American or foreign corporation today.  As a result of a recent ruling by the Ninth U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals (Minow v. Flatulent Technologies, Inc.), we are compelled to post the following letter on this website by dissident shareholder (and busybody) Nell Minow: Letter from Nell Minow's Corporate Library
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Charges of Financial Malfeasance Unproven We are very proud to report that the federal Securities and Exchange Commission (SEC) has declined to prosecute Flatulent Technologies for the understandable confusion surrounding the two alternative sets of accounting books we maintained up until recently. At the same time, the Internal Revenue Service (IRS) wisely decided to drop its 19-charge indictment against the corporation and our leading executives. Flatulent Technologies' most cunning lawyers and craftiest accountants have been working around the clock (not to mention paper shredding machines going 24/7) to ensure that these embarrassing charges of nefarious fraud and corruption can never be proven. Regrettably, New York Attorney General Elliot Spitzer persists in hounding our legal and accounting departments in a malicious witch hunt designed to further his own sleazy, political career. The infamous, self-appointed "consumer advocate," Ralph Nader, is also unrelenting in his inquiry concerning our FY 1998 through 2002 financial transactions, despite several failed attempts on his life. We honestly expected that the mysterious brake failure on his car, and the early morning fire in his apartment would have distracted his attention from our petty affairs. Of course, Flatulent Technologies disclaims any responsibility for these dastardly criminal acts, even though we know in our hearts that most good, patriotic Americans would not be sad to see Nader unceremoniously "leave the scene." |
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| Fighting A Government That's Run Amok Every businessman in this great country of ours has a horror story to tell of how their vigorous, altruistic efforts to expand the economy and create good jobs for their fellow Americans have been confounded by anti-business liberals and Communists. Flatulent Technologies is no exception. We had lined up a potential business partner with a large and lucrative contract to supply 65 percent of Florida's public schools with an innovative new menu item. Our scheme was to breed and slaughter in large numbers the endangered Manatee (the "sea cow") for human consumption.  Florida's underexploited and "endangered" Manatee |
Their meat is the most tender and succulent you can find on the earth or in the sea."
Unfortunately, the innovative business idea was ruthlessly quashed by jealous govern- ment bureaucrats, scientists, and do-gooder environmen- talists who unaccountably only seem to want to keep the animal an endangered species. Sensible Floridians even question why such a homely critter deserves to be called "endangered." The scheme could have put protein-rich Manatee burgers on every poor child's school lunch table at least once every week. This is an excel- lent example of how burden- some governmental regulations can "nip in the bud" daring and creative business ventures which could have enormously benefited all Floridians, especially its youngest and most needy. Government bureaucracy has surely run amok! Were it not for these misguided fools on the public dole, there is no telling what astounding heights our hum- ble corporation's profitability could have risen. Of course, these immense profits would not necessarily have gone into our executives' pockets but would have accrued to the benefit of its deserving and perspicacious shareholders. Please check here soon to peruse our 2003 Annual Report to Shareholders. |
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